Reviews by Grace

The 30-Second LOST (Season 2)

2010-03-29T18:37:00.010-04:00

(Jack, Locke, and Kate finally enter the hatch only to discover....)

DESMOND: Who're you and what are you doing in my hatch, brother?

KATE: Plane crash.

LOCKE: Destiny.

JACK: I'm getting de ja vu.

HURLEY: Hey, awesome, there's like food and showers and guns down here. Enough for everybody. That's just convenient. So, like, why're you living in a hole in the ground, dude?

DESMOND: I was trying to win a boat race around the world to impress the love of my life, Penny. But I crashed here and have been spending the last 3 years pushing a button every 108 minutes.

JACK: Why?

DESMOND: Just saving the world.

LOCKE: Let me in on that action.

(Meanwhile... just when you think they can't possibly add more characters to a small, invisible island in the middle of the Pacific, Sawyer, Michael, and Jin wash up on the other side of the island where they find the survivors from the tail section of their plane! Including...)

ANA LUCIA: Don't mess with me. I don't trust any of you. Especially you, Huckleberry.

SAWYER: I like her.

MR. EKO: Welcome, brothers. May I offer you guidance? I am a druglor.... um.... I mean a priest.

LIBBY: Hi guys! So, the Others kind of killed or kidnapped the rest of us. Can we join your camp?

SAWYER: Great. More mouths to feed. Unless our people found an underground bunker full of food, I don't how we'll do it.

HURLEY: Sawyer! Jin! Michael! You're back! Guess what? We found an underground bunker full of food! Oh, hi there... (blushes)

LIBBY: Hi there, yourself.

MR. EKO: Can I push the button too? I also would like to save the world.

DESMOND: Hey, go for it, sucker.... I mean, friend... I mean... Oh, whatever. I'm outta here! (Gets on his hidden sail boat and sails away.)

MICHAEL: I spend all that time building a raft and there was a sailboat on this island the whole time! (sighs) Anyway, I'm gone too. I have to find Walt. WAAALLLLTTT!

(wanders off into the jungle)

SAYID: Speaking of finding things, look what Roussaeu found.

(Shows them his prisoner - an eerie man with bug eyes.)

PRISONER: Look, whoever you think I am, I'm not.

JACK: Who should we think you are?

PRISONER: Henry Gale, a crashed balloonist.

SAWYER: A balloon crash? Who are you, the all powerful Oz?

HENRY GALE?: What? It could happen. Weird things crash here.

SAYID: I don't believe you. (hits him around)

HENRY GALE?: Okay, you got me. I'm one of the Others. I had you going there for a minute though, didn't I?

MICHAEL: I'm back! I know where Walt is! Now if Jack, Kate, Sawyer, and Hurley will come with me...

(They all shrug and ignore him.)

MICHAEL: They took my boy.... right out of my hands! Are you people going to help me or not?!

JACK: Are you okay, Michael? You've got this crazy look to your eye...

MICHAEL: WALT! WALT!

SAWYER: This guy's coo-coo for coco puffs.

HURLEY: I don't wanna go.

CHARLIE: I'll go.

MICHAEL: No! It has to be Jack, Kate, Sawyer, and Hurley!

ANA LUCIA: Man, I don't know you, but you need to chill.

MICHAEL: (points) What in the world can that be?!

(Everybody turns. Michael shoots Ana Lucia and Libby and frees the captured Other.)

HURLEY: Uncool, dude. Uncool.

JACK: We have GOT to stop falling for that.

MICHAEL: Um... that Other did it.

SAWYER: Dang, it's always the cute ones that get themselves shot. Hey, Freckles, so you're still alive, and I'm still alive...

KATE: Cram it, Sawyer. I'm sort of with Jack now. I'm 99% sure this time.

MICHAEL: Now we can all go get Walt.

(Michael, Jack, Kate, Sawyer, and Hurley go.

Desmond washes up back on the beach.)

DESMOND: So, the island's not going to let any of us leave. This is all just some mad experiment dreamt up by the Dharma Initiative. We're guinea pigs, brother.

LOCKE: I've lost my faith. I'm not pushing the stupid button anymore.

MR. EKO: Well then, I am!

(They squint at each other in silence.)

LOCKE: I think there's only room for one intense believer on this island. Hey, I looked into the smoke monster. I bet you can't do that.

MR. EKO: Oh, yeah!

(Leaves the hatch. Locke locks him out.)

MR. EKO: Hey, no fair!

LOCKE: Now we'll see who's crazy and who's dead! Let that clock ran out.

(Desmond looks over a series of numbers and dates.)

DEMOND: Wait a minute. As I recall, the last time I didn't push the button was the same day your plane crashed. I crashed your plane! We have to push the button! It's all real!

(Locke stands in a pile of crushed computer bits.)

LOCKE: My bad.

(The clock runs down. The hatch shakes and metal things start imploding.)

DESMOND: (takes out a key) I really hoped I wouldn't have to do this. I have a feeling things are just going to get weird from here on in.

LOCKE: Just do whatever it is! We're imploding here! Besides, how much weirder can things possibly get?

(Desmond goes to the basement and turns the failsafe key. The world turns white. The sky turns purple...

Meanwhile, on the other side of the island, Jack, Kate, Sawyer, and Hurley are captured and bound by the Others.)

JACK: Note to self - Never follow 'crazy' into the jungle.

KATE: Note to self - Stop following Jack into the jungle.

SAWYER: Note to self - Get off this frickin' island!

HURLEY: Dude, why is the sky purple?

NOT HENRY GALE: Haha! Not only am I not Henry Gale, but I am also the LEADER of the Others! My real name's Ben. Suck it, losers!

MICHAEL: Can me and Walt go now?

BEN: Yeah, yeah. As we agreed, you betray your friends, I let you and the kid go home. Whatever. The kid was getting too tall to remain believably on the show anyhow.

(Michael and Walt sail away in a boat provided by the Others.)

BEN: Now who's ready to meet the Others?

(Gags and blindfolds our heroes. The season ends.)

AUDIENCE: But WHY??? WHO??? ARGHH!!!!

Who is Ben? Where is he taking our heroes? Why did the sky turn purple? Did Locke, Desmond, and Eko explode, or are they all just sitting around on the beach having margaritas while they wait for our real heroes to return? Tune in next season for the answers with Lost Season 3!

The 30-Second LOST (Season 1)

2010-03-10T00:59:00.013-05:00

(An eye opens. It's JACK Shepherd. He's in the middle of the jungle. People are screaming in the distance.)
JACK: What happened? Where am I?
(He runs through the jungle to find himself on a beach in the middle of the wreckage of a crashed plane!)
JACK: Plane crash... right. Huh, you would think that's something I'd remember. Oh well.
(He goes around saving people because, of course, he's a doctor. Eventually, he comes across KATE hiding in the jungle.)
JACK: What are you doing out here?
KATE: Not running from the law, if that's what you're implying!
JACK: Say, you're kind of cute and kind of handy. Want to stick around?
KATE: I don't know...
(Jack takes off his shirt.)
KATE: Okay, I'm in.
CHARLIE: Hey guys, me too!
(Jack and Kate look at each other and shrug. The three of them head off into the jungle. Meanwhile...)
LOCKE: Look at me! I couldn't walk before, but now I can! This island is magic, I tell you!
SAWYER: Okay whatever, Yoda. Alls I care about is looking out for number one, if you know what I mean.... Hey, who's that freckled girl with the shirtless guy over there? She likes shirtless guys, huh? I'll show her who can be shirtless! (wears his shirt for as little as possible for the remainder of the series)
MICHAEL: Maybe this plane crash can help me bond with my estranged son, Walt.
WALT: That's lame, Dad. I'm gonna go hang with that old dude with the magic legs.
JIN: (something angry in Korean)
SUN: I also do not speak a word of English. I mean....
HURLEY: Dude, don't you think it's like weird and stuff that we all have names that are vague literary references that somehow perfectly suit our characters? And that we all have kind of met in these random ways in our pasts? And that almost all of us survived a massive plane wreck that probably should have instantly killed us all?
SAWYER: While we're on it, Stay-Puft, don't you think it's weird that no matter how long we're on this island, you will never lose any weight? (shoots an attacking polar bear) I suppose you thing that was strange too?
HURLEY: Hey, it's all cool, dude. Just so long as those evil numbers, like the ones that have been causing all the bad luck in my life, aren't here, everything will be fine.
(Jack, Kate, and Charlie come out of the jungle.)
JACK: So, we found the pilot, and he said that we were way off course. There's no way a rescue party will ever find us.
CHARLIE: And then he got beaten to death by a giant smoke monster. (sniffs)
SAWYER: What drugs you been on, Frodo?
CHARLIE: Actually, it's--
(Smoke monster causes a commotion in the woods. Everybody panics.)
SAYID: I am sorry to interrupt, but using my training in the Iraq national guard, I have managed to fix a radio using little other than old wires and coconuts. With this, I found out that there is a crazy woman named Rousseau living on this island who may be able to help us.
ROUSSEAU: The Others took my baby and they will take hers too!
(Points at the very pregnant CLAIRE)
CHARLIE: Ooh, I call dibs! (quickly puts his arm around Claire)
ETHAN: Others? Please! That woman's obviously crazy. (points into the jungle) What in the world can that be!
(When they look, Ethan kidnaps Claire and Charlie. They escape. Charlie shoots Ethan.)
CHARLIE: Didn't you hear me call dibs?
LOCKE: Hey, everyone, I found this hatch-thing out in the middle of the jungle. I think it's my destiny to open it. Anybody bored or stupid enough to help me figure out how to?
BOONE: I am!
(In their travels, Boone gets crushed by an old bi-plane and dies. At the same time, Claire has her baby and names him Aaron, for no apparent reason.)
JACK: That's enough! No more hatches, no more smoke monsters, no more Others! There's no such thing as destiny. There has to be a scientific explanation for all of-- (sees his dead father in the forest and goes off following him)
SAWYER: (to Kate) What do you see in that guy?
KATE: I have a thing for men with Daddy issues.
SAWYER: Why didn't ya say so, Freckles? Wait till you hear my story--
JACK: Okay, I'm back. New plan. If we all move into these caves over here...
MICHAEL: Oh, no. I'm building a raft to get me and my boy off this island. Who wants to help?
KATE: I think I should stay with Jack... maybe...
SAWYER: Fine! I'm outta here! I've had enough of this hunk of dirt!
JIN: I... help... too. Learn... English... quickly.
ROUSSEAU: The Other's are coming! Tonight! They will kill you all!
JACK: We should hide somewhere.
LOCKE: (faking a cough) ....in the hatch!
(Rousseau leads them to an old pirate ship in the middle of the jungle called the 'Black Rock' where they find some dynamite.)
CHARLIE: Guys, where are we?
HURLEY: Kinda missed your moment, dude.
(Michael, Walt, Sawyer, and Jin launch their raft.)
MICHAEL: We're on our way home, Walt! Smooth sailing! Soon it'll be just me, you, our dog Vincent, and that curiously fast approaching ship...
(The Others show up in a boat of their own, lead by the bearded "Mr. Smiley".)
SMILEY: Give us the boy.
SAWYER: Over my dead body.
(The Others shoot at them, kidnap Walt, and destroy the raft. Michael, Sawyer, and Jin swim back to the mainland. Meanwhile...)
LOCKE: Well, here it is. Just like I said.
(Jack and Kate set up dynamite to blow the lid off the hatch. Hurley notices that the serial number on it is the exact same bad numbers that had caused all his bad luck before!)
HURLEY: Evil numbers! Evil numbers! Don't do it!
(They blow it open anyway and look inside.......
the season ends.)
AUDIENCE: Oh, come on!

WHAT'S IN THE HATCH? WHO ARE THE OTHERS? WILL SAWYER EVER MAKE IT WITH KATE OR BE LEFT ALONE WITH HIS CATCHY NICKNAMES? TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO FIND OUT WHEN WE RETURN WITH "THE 30-SECOND LOST - SEASON 2"!

SCREEN SHOTS! 2010 Academy Award Edition (Part 2)

2010-03-05T20:46:00.005-05:00

TITLE: District 9

NOMINATIONS: Best Picture, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Visual Effects, Best Editing

RATED: R (for bloody violence and pervasive language)

GENRE: Sci Fi/Action

LANGUAGES: English / Nyanja / Afrikaans

STARS: Sharlto Copley, Jason Cope, Nathalie Boltt

NOTABLE CREW: Director/Writer - Neill Blomkamp, Writer - Terri Tatchell, Editor - Julian Clarke, Producer - Peter Jackson

SUMMARY: A race of aliens called the "Prawns" have crash landed in Johnnesburg, South Africa and have no hope of returning home. Segregated to a ghetto-like refugee camp, the Prawns are only trying to stay alive. When the corporation that owns the camp decides to evict the Prawns to an even worse ghetto, Wikus (Copley), a mild-mannered paper pusher, is given the job of carrying it out. But something goes wrong which forces Wikus to change both in his predudices and in his biology. Now he is on the run with a new Prawn friend to help him get back into his ship and find a way home.

WHAT I REALLY THINK: Between the gorgeously bug-like aliens, the tangible style of the story-telling technique, and the weighty moral commentary reminiscent of classic sci fi, I absolutely loved it! This is how science fiction is supposed to be. It is supposed to mean something!

COOL FACTOIDS: Contrary to popular belief, this movie is the brain child of director Neill Blomkamp, not Peter Jackson. The idea came from Blomkamp's short film "Alive in Joburg" made in his hometown of Johannesburg.

WHO SHOULD WATCH IT: All my science fiction comrades out there, as well as anyone interested in the (not too subtle) moral commentary about how we as a species treat people (or aliens) who are 'different' from ourselves.

SHOULD IT WIN?: It definitely should have been nominated, but I don't think I foresee gold in its future, as cool as that would be.

NICELY DONE AWARD: Actor Sharlto Copley! A friend of the director, it was never intended for Copley to be a star. But after playing Wickus for a few screen tests Blomkamp decided he was perfect for the role. Copley brings Wickus' unbelievable metamorphosis to life with his very believable every-man attitude. Nicely done, Sharlto!

TITLE: Inglourious Basterds

NOMINATIONS: Best Picture, Best Directing, Best Cinematography, Best Editing, Best Sound, Best Sound Editing, Best Original Screenplay, Best Supporting Actor (Christoph Waltz)

RATED: R (for graphic violence, language, and brief sexuality)

GENRE: Drama / Thriller / War

LANGUAGES: English / German / French / Italian

STARS: Brad Pitt, Melanie Laurent, Christoph Waltz, Eli Roth, Michael Fassbender, Diane Kruger

NOTABLE CREW: Writer/Director - Quentin Tarantino, Cinematographer - Robert Richardson, Editor - Sally Menke

SUMMARY: In Nazi-occupied France, a small band of Jewish-American solidiers led by Lt. Aldo Raine (Pitt) reek brutal revenge on every Nazi they can find. Meanwhile, Shosanna (Laurent), a Jewish woman orphaned by the war, plans a special kind of revenge of her own. Their paths converge on the path of Col. Hans Landa (Waltz), resulting in an evening of brutal, bloody mayhem.

WHAT I REALLY THINK: A good half-hour of overly drawn out suspense could have been edited out, and I don't think anyone would notice. You know that moment where suspense holds on just long enough that if a fly landed on the wall you would jump clear out of your seat? Well, a lot of the scenes in this movie pass that moment without saying hello so that when something DOES happen, you wake up from your nap and cry out FINALLY! They're cool moments, don't get me wrong, but boy could this have used a new editor!

WHO SHOULD WATCH IT: Tarantino fans. Bloody war movie fans. Dark comedy enthusiasts. History buffs... you might want to skip this one.

SHOULD IT WIN?: Probably not. So many good moments, but not cohesive enough as a complete picture.

NICELY DONE AWARD: Actor Christoph Walz! Waltz's portrayal of the infamous "Jew Hunter" was both refined and terrifying. There is absolutely no wonder that he's been nominated for Best Supporting Actor this year. He deserves it. Nicely done, Christoph!

TITLE: A Serious Man

NOMINATIONS: Best Picture, Best Original Screenplay

RATED: R (for language, some sexuality/nudity and brief violence)

GENRE: Comedy / Drama

LANGUAGES: English / Yiddish / Hebrew

STARS: Michael Stuhlbarg, Richard Kind, Fred Melamed, Sari Lennick

NOTABLE CREW: Writers/Directors - Joel & Ethan Coen

SUMMARY: A black comedy about the life of Larry Gopnik, a Jewish physics professor who watches his life unravel before his eyes and looks to God and science to decifer what it all might mean.

WHAT I REALLY THINK: Thought provoking and funny as the downward spiral of a man's life can be. Very well done but, like many of the Coen brothers' recent films, left me walking away thinking, 'Well, what was the point of that?' The little prolouge myth at the beginning (which has nothing to do with the rest of the film except to set the tone) was my favorite thing.

COOL FACTOIDS: There are many biblical allusions laced throughout the film, including Larry's Job-like life and his encounter with a naked bathing neighbor, resembling David and Bathesheba.

WHO SHOULD WATCH IT: Film buffs everywhere. Action or slapstick junkies: stay at home.

SHOULD IT WIN?: Maybe. Who knows?

NICELY DONE AWARD: The screenwriters who are, of course, Joel and Ethan Coen! They seem to have a nack for making even the simpilest life seem overwhelming and complex. Their research and thought can be easily seen in the rich, period details, heavy yiddish, and complicated physics concepts portrayed in the film. Nicely done, Coens!

TITLE: Up in the Air

NOMINATIONS: Best Picture, Best Director, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Actor (George Clooney), Best Supporting Actress (Vera Farmiga), Best Supporting Actress (Anna Kendrick)

RATED: R (for language and some sexual content)

GENRE: Comedy / Drama / Romance

LANGUAGES: English

STARS: George Clooney, Vera Farmiga, Anna Kendrick, Jason Bateman

NOTABLE CREW: Director/Writer - Jason Reitman, Screenwriter - Sheldon Turner, Novel Author - Walter Kirn

SUMMARY: Ryan Bingham (Clooney) lives to fly. When he's not traveling around the country firing people, he's having romantic trists with his new 'friend' Alex (Farmiga). But then his company does the unthinkable, outsource his job to computers and threatens to ground him for good. Now accompanied by Natalie (Kendrick), a young overachiever, he must answer the question, 'What is really worth holding on to in life?'

WHAT I REALLY THINK: Funny, but not too funny. Dramatic, but not too dramatic. It goes down smooth, but leaves your brain a rolling over the all too easy to relate to themes.

COOL FACTOIDS: With the exception of the famous actors, every person portraying a person being fired is not an actor, but a real person who has been recently laid off. They were instructed to use the camera like a confessional.

WHO SHOULD WATCH IT: Anyone, but I particularly recommend it for anyone in a state of transition in your life, such as finding or losing a job. This film was made for you.

SHOULD IT WIN?: You know, I think so. But its laid-back, light handed touch on its topic might be no match for the heavy dose of reality brought on by its competitors. We shall see.

NICELY DONE AWARD: Actress Anna Kendrick! You know what you know her from but can't quite seem to place? Twilight. That's right, she was Jessica, the annoying best friend in Twilight. She's come a long way in a short time, and has done an amazing job raising her character of Natalie from the standing of cardboard college graduate to a sympathetic, funny, and likeable human being. Nicely done, Anna!

---

Okay, I admit I have not seen every Best Picture nominee. (What? They're not all on DVD yet!) But here are the final nominees. I will update them later with my reviews after I've seen them. Hey, by then we'll know who won!

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TITLE: The Blind Side

NOMINATIONS: Best Picture, Best Actress (Sandra Bullock)

RATED: PG-13 (for one scene involving brief violence, drug and sexual references)

GENRE: Drama / Biography / Sport

LANGUAGES: English

STARS: Sandra Bullock, Tim McGraw, Quinton Aaron

NOTABLE CREW: Director - John Lee Hancock, Book Author - Michael Lewis

SUMMARY: Michael Oher (Aaron), a homeless african-american youngster, is taken in by Leigh Anne (Bullock) and her family, a well-to-do white family. As they help him achieve his dreams, his presence in their lives leads them to some insightful self-discoveries of their own.

COOL FACTOIDS: Julia Roberts was offered the lead role of Leigh Anne Tuohy before it was given to Sandra Bullock.

TITLE: An Education

NOMINATIONS: Best Picture, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Actress (Carey Mulligan)

RATED: PG-13 (for mature thematic material involving sexual content and for smoking)

GENRE: Drama

LANGUAGES: English / French

STARS: Carey Mulligan, Olivia Williams, Alfred Molina, Cara Seymour

NOTABLE CREW: Director - Lone Scherfig, Screenwriter - Nick Hornby, Memoir Writer - Lynn Barber

SUMMARY: Jenny, an intelligent London youth, dreams of being accepted into Oxford. But her life changes when an older man named David enters her life and exposes her to a new type of life and new friends, Danny and Helen. But as she learns more about David and his friends, the more she begins to question which sort of life she should be leading.

COOL FACTOIDS: The author of the original memoir stipulated in her contract that she would be allowed to see and comment on every draft of the screenplay. She mostly approved.

SCREEN SHOTS! 2010 Academy Award Edition (Part 1)

2010-03-04T17:46:00.012-05:00

TITLE: Avatar

NOMINATIONS: Best Picture, Best Director, Best Cinematography, Best Art Direction, Best Editing, Best Original Score, Best Sound, Best Sound Editing, Best Visual Effects

RATED: PG-13

GENRE: Science Fiction / Fantasy

LANGUAGES: English / Na'vi

STARS: Sam Worthington, Zoe Saldana, Sigourney Weaver, Stephen Lang

NOTABLE CREW: Writer/Director James Cameron, Composer James Horner, Cinematographer Mauro Fiore, Editing John Refoua & Stephen E. Rivkin, Production Design Rick Carter, Robert Stromberg

SUMMARY: When Jake (Worthington), a paraplegic war veteran, is given the opportunity to take his scientist brother's place on a mission to the alien planet Pandora, he has nothing left to lose. His mission: to operate an "avatar" resembling one of the alien race of "Na'vi" to act as body guard to the scientists trying to befriend the aliens and liaison to the military trying to destroy the aliens. As Jake gradually develops a bond with the natives, the planet, and a beautiful Na'vi named Neytiri (Saldana), he must learn to look beyond appearances and becomes the Na'vi's best hope to save their home.

WHAT I REALLY THINK: Absolutely stunning visuals. Good, but not entirely original, story. (Anyone seen Ferngully?) It was clear that Cameron spent all his efforts on developing the look, but not enough time coaching the actors. The best performances came, surprisingly, from the CG Na'vi characters, rather than from the humans.

COOL FACTOIDS: James Cameron supposedly first got the idea for Avatar from a dream.

WHO SHOULD WATCH IT: For the visual palette alone, I'd recommend it to anyone.

SHOULD IT WIN?: Visual effects? Yes. Best Picture? No. Strip away the pretty visuals and the performances and the screenplay don't have a glowing tree branch to stand on.

NICELY DONE AWARD: (Do you have to ask?) The Visual Effects team! (Joe Letteri, Stephen Rosenbaum, Richard Baneham, Andy Jones) Everything from the soaring tree tops and glowing puddles of the planet Pandora to the glorious blue skin of the Na'vi themselves, this movie is a feast for the eyes! Nicely done, visual effects team!

Special Mention: Actress Zoe Saldana! You're speaking an imaginary language, hissing, fighting, flying, doing it all from behind a computer generated character, and still out showing Sam Worthington! Between this and Star Trek, I'd say this is just the beginning of a beautiful career. Nicely done, Zoe!

TITLE: The Hurt Locker

NOMINATIONS: Best Picture, Best Director, Best Cinematography, Best Editing, Best Original Score, Best Sound, Best Sound Editing, Best Screenplay, Best Actor (Jeremy Renner)

RATED: R (for war violence and language)

GENRE: Drama/Action/War

LANGUAGES: English / Arabic

STARS: Jeremy Renner, Anthony Mackie, Brian Geraghty

NOTABLE CREW: Director - Kathryn Bigelow, Writer - Mark Boal, Cinematographer - Barry Ackroyd

SUMMARY: Sgt. James (Renner), the new team leader of an army bomb squad in Iraq, has an unconventional and reckless approach to his dangerous occupation. He and his by-the-book squad (Mackie and Geraghty) must learn to work with each other and keep their sanity in tact if they want to survive long enough for their tour of duty to end.

WHAT I REALLY THINK: A gripping look at the sort of physical and psychological terror our soldiers face every day. It may have inaccuracies, but I'm not in a position to tell the difference. Remarkably moving, suspenseful, and well-acted.

COOL FACTOIDS: Director Kathryn Bigelow, nominated this year for Best Director, is the ex-wife of James Cameron, who is also nominated this year for his movie Avatar.

WHO SHOULD WATCH IT: Anyone who doesn't mind the shakey camera docu-style look of the film. I think this style adds to the sense of realism by giving the audience presence, but some people get motion-sick. It's okay. I understand.

SHOULD IT WIN: Yes. Though it has some stiff competition in all its categories. Its strongest category is Best Director.

NICELY DONE AWARD: Director Kathryn Bigelow! There are few truely note-worthy women directors out there, even less that would direct an action film! Her keen sensibility brought a strong sense of emotion and suspense to an otherwise testosterone-heavy story. Nicely done, Kathryn!

TITLE: Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire

NOMINATIONS: Best Picture, Best Director, Best Editing, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Actress (Gabourey Sidibe), Best Supporting Actress (Mo'Nique)

RATED: R (for child abuse, including sexual assault, and pervasive language)

GENRE: Drama

LANGUAGES: English

STARS: Gabourey Sidibe, Mo'Nique, Paula Patton, Mariah Carey

NOTABLE CREW: Director - Lee Daniels, Screenwriter - Geoffrey Fletcher, Original Story - Sapphire, Editor - Joe Klotz, Executive Producers - Oprah Winfrey & Tyler Perry

SUMMARY: Clarireece 'Precious' Jones (Sidibe) endures unimaginable hardships at the hands of her rapist father and abusive neglectful mother (Mo'Nique). Destitute, obese, 16 years old and pregnant with her second child, Precious, with the help of teacher Ms. Rain (Patton), must find a way to rise above her seemingly hopeless circumstances to find out that there is always something to live for.

WHAT I REALLY THINK: Touching human interest story. The oversaturation of horrible situations in the protagonists' life is almost unbelievable until you remember that this sort of thing can and does happen to young people all the time. A few heavy-handed performances and an ambiguous resolution, but overall a harrowing morality tale.

COOL FACTOIDS: This is the first film of star Gabourey Sidibe, who had to be forced to audition by her friends. She is now nominated for an Oscar!

WHO SHOULD WATCH IT: Not for the faint of heart. This girl's life is brutal. But I definitely recommend it for anyone 18 and over.

SHOULD IT WIN?: I love rooting for new actors, so go for it Gabourey Sidibe! As for Best Picture, while its filmic quality may not be in the same standing as its competitors, its moving subject matter may be enough to tip the gold its way.

NICELY DONE AWARD: Author, Sapphire! The subject matter is so heavy that it can be difficult to talk about, much less write a book about! Her courage in telling the story of the unlikely protagnist inspired the film and forces the reader/viewer to view that 'angry' teenager in a whole new way. Nicely done, Sapphire!

TITLE: Up

NOMINATIONS: Best Picture, Best Animated Feature, Best Original Score, Best Sound Editing, Best Original Screenplay

RATED: PG

GENRE: Animation/Family/Adventure/Comedy/Drama

LANGUAGES: English

VOICE STARS: Edward Asner (Carl), Christopher Plummer (Muntz), Jordan Nagai (Russell), Bob Peterson (Dug)

NOTABLE CREW: Writers/Directors - Pete Docter, Bob Peterson, Composer - Michael Giancchino

SUMMARY: 70 year-old Carl Fredrikson finally embarks on the adventure of his dreams when he ties balloons to his home to fly it to Paradise Falls, a place where he and his late-wife had always wanted to go. But plans change when he discovers Russell, an optimistic young scout, has stowe-awayed in his home! More adventure comes when they reach Paradise Falls, a land of large birds named Kevin, talking dogs, and a sinister explorer-poacher! Carl must learn that there is more to life than holding onto the past if he is ever to get his new friends to safety!

WHAT I REALLY THINK: Fantastic! Absolutely! Pixar does it again. The first 15 minutes will make you cry, and the last will make you laugh.

WHO SHOULD WATCH IT: Everybody! And I mean that, adults. It's a touching story about an old man coming to terms with grief, a message best understood by adults! Don't worry, there's plenty of laughs, fun, and -- squirrel! -- that will keep the kids viewing too.

SHOULD IT WIN?: Oh, most certainly for Animated Feature. And, dare I say, it deserves that Original Screenplay trophy too. As for Best Picture, I don't imagine that going to an animated one this year, especially with the competition, but I like to dream of a world where a touching, well-written, well-directed, massively appealing movie, even if it's animated, can win Best Picture.

NICELY DONE AWARD: Writer/Directors Pete Docter and Bob Peterson! How you and the Pixar team keep doing it year after year, I don't know, but whatever you're doing, don't stop! Nicely done, Pete and Bob!

How to Choose a Movie: A Renter's Guide

2010-03-02T14:26:00.009-05:00

I know. You’re bored. You’re tired. You want nothing more than to go home, throw in a DVD, snuggle up with your significant other and/or a small furry mammal and relax for a couple of hours. But there’s a problem. You have no idea what you actually want! What’s out? What’s good? Is it something the other person will like? Is it something you would actuallyenjoy sans other people (as opposed to pretending to enjoy just because the people around you are pretending to enjoy it too)? These are questions that make the process of renting (or downloading, Hello, Netflix users!) much more stressful than it needs to be. So here’s a few tips that will hopefully ease your distress:

1. If you’re looking for something specific, know specifically what you’re looking for!

This seems obvious, but all too many people drive all the way down to the video store with an itch to see the rest of that movie they saw the first five minutes of on TV the other week, and have no idea what it’s called. While your helpful video store associate most likely has watched more movies than you, you cannot rely on them having an encyclopedic knowledge of the entire history of cinema. Occasionally they eat and sleep too, and he/she has probably not seen “that movie with that scene with that lady, who was in that other thing I can’t remember, flying a helicopter”. My suggestion: www.imdb.com. Go there. Look it up. If you can’t remember ANY of the actors’ names or crew members names, try the TV guide. Better hurry. I hear they’re rerunning that movie with that funny actor you really like. You know the one, he teams up with that other famous dude and they solve crimes. Remember? There’s a dog too. Maybe. That might be another movie...

2. What mood are you in?

This seems easy too, right? I mean, right now I’m feeling kind mellow, so I can go for a light comedy, or a romance, or a fun sci-fi, or perhaps I’m ready to tackle one of those meaty, depressing, intellectual films? Let’s take this back a notch. First off, obviously, consider who you’re watching it with. If it’s the family, you’re probably getting a light-hearted family movie. If it’s the significant other, you want something with at least some romance in it (for girls) or some action in it (for boys). If it’s a film discussion group, go ahead and get that meaty, depressing, intellectual film. ‘But what about me?’ You think. ‘What do I want to see?’ My advice is to not think about what mood you are in right now. Think about what mood you want to be in. How do you want to feel when the movie’s over and the credits roll? Happy? Relieved? Excited? Energetic? Thoughtful? Enlightened? Inspired? Just because it’s the latest thing out and it’s nominated for an academy award, doesn’t mean it’s what you need right now. Sometimes what you need right now is a senseless, corny, popcorn flick or an old favorite from your childhood. The point is... You already know what you want to see, at least the emotion of it. Don’t let yourself be pressured by what you think that you should want.

3. Don’t judge a DVD by its front cover...

...its back cover tells you much more. If you’re worried that little synopsis will give too much away, don’t. You won’t learn anything more than you’ve already seen in the preview. Unless this is a movie you already know something about, it’s important to at least skim the synopsis. Just because there’s a man with a gun on the cover, does not mean it’s an action flick. Sometimes it’s a low-key human drama with only one or two scenes featuring gun play. You would never know this unless you READ THE SYNOPSIS. Sometimes it features smiling people in front of a pretty countryside and appears to be something uplifting and inspirational, but how many uplifting words do you see in that synopsis? Are there words in the synopsis like “struggle”, “heartache”, or “brutal past”? The film might be about the downward spiral of a quirky but ultimately doomed character, or it might end happily enough, but begin with some heavy scenes that you were not prepared for today. If the cover features only the thoughtful face of a famous actor, it can be anything! READ THE SYNOPSIS! You’re not allowed to be surprised by the large content of sex and violence if it is clearly written in the synopsis that your main character is “on the trail of a serial sex offender.” Don’t be surprised if the characters burst out into song either if somewhere in the synopsis are the words “a musical romp” or if anyone solves their issue through “the power of song.” In short: JUST READ THE SYNOPSIS!

SIDE NOTE: CON-MOVIES. It doesn’t hurt to take a careful look at the title also. There are many movies with titles like the movie you are looking for, but they are not. In fact, there are companies that produce cheap movies specifically designed to trick you, the consumer, into renting it by mistake. For example, “Terminators” is not the same as “The Terminator”. “Transmorphers” is not the same as “Transformers”. “I Am Omega” is not the same as “I Am Legend.” And that Sherlock Holmes movie which features a picture of the famous detective fighting – I am not making this up – a dinosaur, a dragon, and a squid, is NOT the same as the new Robert Downey Jr. one. This list can go on and on. When in doubt, ask somebody.

4. Do judge a DVD by the QUALITY of its cover.

You’ve seen enough movie posters and DVD covers by now to notice the difference between a professional one and an unprofessional one, right? Bad photoshop. Lazy font. Dim, unrecognizable pictures. These are all signs of a cheap production value. If the filmmakers did such a poor job designing the DVD, just think of how poorly they did designing the movie! Even if the front is pretty good, look at the still frames on the back. Remember, these pictures are supposed to represent the BEST the film has to offer. Is it someone valiantly poised face-to-face with a kung fu master or is it a blurry, flatly lit frame of a guy kicking a board? Do they even bother to show you the actor’s face? It’s true, there may be a few rare gems mixed in among the bad cover design victims, but don’t rely on chance to pick these out. The odds are against you.

5. New DOES NOT equal better.

I know all the trailers made ‘Super Action Man 4: The Return of the Lemur!’ look really cool, but if you haven’t seen 1-3, see those first. As a general rule, the original is almost always better. (There are exceptions. Batman, for example.) Not only is the original better, but in many outlets, it’s cheaper also! I’m gonna go ahead and apply this rule also to remakes and, one of my favorite new terms, ‘re-imaginings’.

There appears to be a common malady in movie stores to treat old movies as if they were carriers of the swine flu. To this, I have three comments. First of all, many of them are not that old. (The majority of your ‘old’ releases have come out in the past decade.) Secondly, if you haven’t seen it, it’s new to you! Thirdly, your chances are better, yes, BETTER for randomly picking a good movie out of the old section than of randomly finding one on the new release wall. Why? Because the bad movies have no staying power and are eventually sold or shipped off because nobody is renting them.

My advice? Unless there’s something specific and new that you wanted to see, peruse the old release section. I know you think you’ve already seen everything, but trust me, NOBODY has seen everything. Imagine it’s the new release wall. There. Does that help?

6. You can’t judge a movie by its actors.

Well you can. Sometimes. There are three categories by which to measure them: quality, quantity, and genre-hopping.

Quality. If there is an Academy Award winning actor in it, it is safe to bet on good performances. (Exception: Catwoman. Shudder.) And unless there are explosions on the cover, it is also safe to bet this will be a thought-provoking human drama. I hope that’s what you’re looking for. If this star is a tabloid-headliner, we might be looking at a popcorn flick. If the star is primarily/formerly either a TV star, a musician, a wrestler, a C-list indie star, someone who used to be famous and you thought had dropped off the face of the earth, or any combination of the above categories, put down the movie and back away. There are exceptions to this rule, but you will hear of these exceptions from the entertainment news or from your friends. You will hear the words “break-out star” or “comeback”. Trust these words from reviewers. Do not trust these words from DVD covers or posters. (See Tip #9)
Quantity. Wow! There’s LOTS of people I’ve heard of in this movie. Some of them have even been nominated for Academy Awards and one of them won a Golden Globe! It MUST be good! Right? Wrong! In fact, be wary of movies that boast too many familiar faces. Most likely they are trying too hard to make up for an unimpressive or confusing story by blinding you with famous people. Even in a decent movie, overkill on the fame can be too distracting. But why would somebody famous be in a bad movie? There are only two reasons. Either they want the money or they believed that this script was the one that would win them that award this time. Usually it’s the money. Especially if they’re anything other than an A-lister. Again, I recommend READ THE SYNOPSIS. Remember, actors don’t make the movies. A whole team of people make the movies, and if any one of them lacks talent, everyone else looks bad too. It’s the sad lot of the film professional.
Genre-Bending. Never start your search by looking for “the latest (famous actor) movie.” Some actors, having been type-cast for most of their careers, decide that they are too talented to be put in a box and take on projects that are vastly different from what you’ve seen them in before. Many comedians switch to dramatic roles, and do a very good job with it. Many dramatic actors accept roles in comedies movies and also do a very good job. In this instance, you can usually identify the switch fairly easily. If the actor has a goofy smile on the DVD cover, you’re probably looking at one of their usual comedies. If they’re standing thoughtfully against a well-designed backdrop, this might be a drama. Also be mindful that these days many of the best movies are mix-genred: dramatic-comedy, action-drama, comedic-thriller, romantic-action, tragic-comedy, comedic-horror, dramatic-animation and more. Read the synopsis. Your favorite funny actor might not always be funny.

SIDE NOTE: THE Z-LISTERS. You’ve heard of A-list actors before. Even B-list and, thanks to Kathy Griffin, the D-list. But I have decided there needs to be a new category for formerly A-list actors who now make their living by appearing in every low-budget independent movie they can get their hands on. I call them the Z-listers. You’ll know the actors. You probably really loved them ten years ago, but huh, they have a new movie? Gosh, I didn’t know they had a new movie! I don’t remember seeing it in theaters. (It wasn’t!) If this person who did a lot of great stuff ten years ago is in it, it must be good. Right? Sadly, no. The Z-List movies might not be too terrible, but they will be bland, forgettable, and your favorite actor will have gained a lot of weight. They are also almost exclusively straight-to-DVD releases. The Z-List changes over the years. This year’s Z-List includes Val Kilmer, Christian Slater, Ray Liotta, and Cuba Gooding Jr. Again, good actors. Not good movies.

7. Try something new occasionally.

Some people run at the sound of those funny foreign syllables coming out of the characters’ mouths. Some people gag when somebody on screen suddenly bursts into song. Some people take a nap if the majority of the movie appears to be shot much like your local news broadcasts. I get it. You’re not used to these things. And while it may not be your usual style, sometimes it doesn’t hurt to stick with the movie and see what happens. If you truly cannot stand the subtitles, just turn on the English dubbing, and you can still appreciate a surprisingly moving Swedish vampire movie. Or if the music makes you uncomfortable, keep watching, at least half-way, and see if you don’t become interested in the characters or the story, even find yourself singing along to your favorite Beatles songs. If that documentary-style format seems boring at first, keep watching, eventually someone might turn into an alien, and the special effects will be amazing! Going out of your comfort zone provokes thought, and thought deepens your appreciation for what your viewing, or if not what you’re viewing, at least you will love the movies you have always loved even more.

If you still feel you must absolutely avoid these unusual things in your viewing experience, that’s fine. Unfortunately, your average DVD does not loudly advertise whether or not it’s in another language, is a musical, is documentary-like, is in black-and-white, jumps around in time as a story-telling device, or other elements that might make you uncomfortable. You’ll have to look for clues on the cover or in the synopsis. (Hint: If you don’t recognize the actors and they all have hard to pronounce names, it’s probably in another language.) The most reliable thing you can do, of course, is ask somebody to describe the movie to you. They will most likely start their description with the unusual thing, such as “It’s a musical about a serial killer” or “It’s a Spanish ghost story.” If the words of that sentence make you squeamish, put it back. If you like only half of that sentence, why not give it a try? Perhaps the half you didn’t like won’t be so bad when viewed in context.

8. Read the fine print.

Ratings. Language. Widescreen. Length. All these things are somewhere on the cover, but you do have to look for them. They’re usually in the little rectangle on the bottom of the back cover. Parents, I’m sorry, but gone are the days when you could just pick up anything with a superhero or a cartoon character on the cover and assume that it’s safe for your children to view. Many of those are made for adults now and you must be especially discerning when you rent. Check the rating. Read the synopsis. There is also, pretty much always, a place that tells you what language tracks it’s available in and what subtitles are available, if needed. (Again, that little retangular box on the bottom of the back cover.) Many discs are also two-sided now. One side might be 3D and the other regular (hint: you will never rent a 3D movie without there being an option for normal viewing), one might be wide screen and the other full screen, one might be special features and the other the movie. If you don’t have a blu-ray player, don’t rent anything that says “blu-ray” across the top. Pay attention. Read the fine print. It’ll save you a trip.

9. Reviews are your friends. Friends are your reviewers.

Generally, a safe rule is that if you’ve heard of the movie, it’s probably at least descent. Well, well-produced anyway. There are no guarantees for good story. The majority is certainly not always right, but they are your best bet when choosing something quickly. If you’ve heard and read good things about it or if you’re friends are telling you it’s good, you should get it. More than anything, your friends’ opinions will be the most helpful to you, because your friends have similar taste to yours. The person at the video store may be full of trivia and be well-cultured in film lore, but they may also have a vastly different taste from your own, as good as their taste may seem to be. We all have different humors. Your friends are most likely closest to your own. Trust their suggestions (only if they’ve seen it!) first, critics second, video store person third. Again, different tastes. Someone else may hate a movie that you absolutely love. Be a good judge of character and think, ‘Is this the sort of person who I would hang out with in everyday life?’ If the answer is no, there’s a good chance their taste in movies differs from your own too.

Some movies have very good previews but get awful reviews. These exciting previews may feature exciting actors doing exciting things, but if you haven’t heard or read a single good thing about the film itself, don’t be so certain. Previews are designed to make you want to see a movie, not to be honest.

Also be wary of the quotes on the DVD covers themselves. Look at where the quote’s from. Is it a reputable publication or entertainment show, or is it the producer’s mom? Short quotes such as “Exciting!” “Thrilling!” “A Must-See!” should also be taken out of the equation, because these may very easily be out of context from the orginal review.

One last warning. Don’t trust opening weekend box office! That a movie is very popular the week it’s released in the theaters or on video means only one thing: that it is new. The people renting it are just like you, they saw a new movie on the shelf with an exciting, shiny cover which had exciting, shiny previews, and thought it would be good. That’s why its popular its first week. Many very bad movies have rented very well for just this reason. Using the discretion you’ve already learned, judge for yourself whether or not you think it’ll live up to its hype and choose accordingly.

10. If you still picked a turkey...

So you have you’re rental. It has an intriguing synopsis, an A-list cast, a friend of a friend saw it in the theater, and she said that she liked it. You pop some microwave popcorn and push play. After five minutes, you already know. This film is horrible. What do you do? The only thing you can do. Laugh. Invite some friends over. Riff on it. Enjoy the experience if you can’t enjoy the film.

If it’s just too awful to even laugh at, try turning off your TV and playing monopoly. You might not get your money back for the awful rental, but at least you’ll collect $200 every time you pass go.

The Final Frontier: How "Star Trek" Redeemed the Franchise

2009-05-08T22:36:00.011-04:00

Star Trek, the brain child of creator Gene Roddenberry, was a dying giant. That had been my theory. Its massive mythology was built up through five television series, ten motion pictures, countless spin-off books, and has been locked in stone by an insanely devoted fanbase that are so famous for their devotion that there is even a movie about them. (See Trekkies.) So when I heard there was going to be yet another movie, I was less than excited. They said they were rebooting it for modern viewers, but I'd seen movies try and fail at that before. Why wouldn't they let this beloved series just die in peace?

That was my theory all the way up to about a week before it came out. The reviews started coming in, and they were ALL good. That was unprecedented, especially for a prequel/reimagining. Well, the previews did look pretty cool. Maybe...

By the time I got to the theater, I was pumped. Then I heard the first, all-too-familiar, space-age beeping sound effect, and somehow I knew that this time I wasn't going to be let down like I was with Indiana Jones, Superman Returns, and the Star Wars prequels. This time it was going to be done right.

The plot goes as follows. Romulans from the future travel back in time in pursuit of future-Ambassador Spock, because they blame him for the destruction of their planet. Their actions of vengeance change the lives of the young Jim Kirk, young Spock, Uhura, Bones, Scotty, and all the rest while they are still cadets. Will this altered history change their destinies to become the crew of the starship Enterprise? Of course not. But the drastic actions of the Romulans have a profound effect on both Kirk and Spock's development and on the shape of the universe itself. Guidance from future-Spock helps show them the way, but don't expect the future to play out exactly as it has before.

Despite some plot holes, the decision to create an alternate reality is genius. Now the characters can truly be fresh, making different decisions, having different adventures, and (if you truly want to make the trekkies giddy) revisiting old adventures with new approaches. In any other series, this might have seemed like a cheat, but Star Trek has a long tradition of alternate universe episodes. The history hasn't been erased. We are simply now seeing what history would have been like "if".

On top of all that, director J.J. Abrams ("Alias", "Lost", "Fringe", Cloverfield) has done a fantastic job keeping the action moving and the story engaging for fans and non-fans alike. Behind the modern sleekness, the old designs are still there (even the bowl-haircuts and miniskirts) without them seeming dated. The film is full of beautiful new set and ship designs, including the menacing and spider-like Romulan ship from the future which brings to mind the design of the shadow vessels of "Babylon 5". (Didn't think I would get through this without a B5 shout out, did you?)

The mostly obscure cast step into the shoes of their predeccessors easily. Though some of them verge on straight-up impersonation, they do it well enough for us to immediately recognize their characters before they're introduced, relying on personality rather than costume to identify them. Leading the cast are:

Chris Pine (Just My Luck, Smokin' Aces) as James T. Kirk

Zachary Quinto ("Heroes") as Spock

Karl Urban (The Lord of the Rings) as Dr. Leonard Bones McCoy

Zoe Saldana (Guess Who, Vantage Point) as Uhura

Simon Pegg (Shawn of the Dead, Hot Fuzz) as Montgomery "Scotty" Scott

John Cho (Harold and Kumar) as Hikaru Sulu

Anton Yelchin (Charlie Bartlett) as Pavel Chekov

and Leonard Nimoy reprising his role as Spock from the future.

Also look for Eric Bana (Nero), Bruce Greenwood (Capt. Pike), Ben Cross (Sarek), and Winona Ryder (Amanda Grayson, aka: Spock's mom)

In a previous article (about the remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still), I wrote several steps to creating a successful remake/prequel/reboot. This movie has obeyed them all. The original Star Trek represented an optimistic view of a future full of diversity and discovery. In a time when even our superheroes are represented as bleak and grim, it is good to see that Star Trek hasn't lost any of its humor or spirit which has kept it appealing to audiences for over 40 years. I, for one, will be first in line for the next one.

THINGS FOR TREKKIES TO LOOK FOR:

Swooshes and sound effects, Spock's parents, Kirk making it with a green woman, the Kobayashi Maru, Captain Pike, mention of Captain Archer and his beagle, red-shirted ensigns (aka: dead meat!), truth-inducing brain slugs ("They put creatures in our brains!"), Sulu pulling out the kung fu, Chekov mispronouncing all his 'V's (sadly, however, no mention of "enemy wessels"), the commanding crew constantly sending themselves on away missions, a certain surprising kissing scene which must be the result of fan wish-fulfillment, lines such as "Live long and prosper", "You have been and always shall be my friend", and "I don't think she can take much more of this!", and there is rumored to be a tribble in the background of one of the scenes.

THINGS FOR NON-TREKKIES TO LOOK FOR:

Lots of action (in more ways than one), fun and sympathetic characters, improved special effects, and high-energy and optimistic take on building the future even where there is tragedy

AND THE 'NICELY DONE' AWARD GOES TO...

Screenwriters Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman!

There was a lot of pressure to find the perfect balance between being true to the material and making it new and exciting. You pulled it off, and I'm sure that was no small effort on your part. From Spock's angst to Kirk's rebellious childhood in Iowa, you showed us everything we needed to see. Nicely done, Roberto! Nicely done, Alex!

THE 10-SECOND STAR TREK:

(Kirk passes by the Enterprise under construction.)

JAMES T. KIRK: Where can I get me one of these?

CAPTAIN PIKE: Join the Starfleet. Your father was a great captain. You can be too.

KIRK: Hey, man, I play by nobody's rules but my own.

(Uhura passes by in mini-skirt uniform.)

KIRK: I'll be there.

BONES: Me too. They need any paranoid doctors up there?

(Three years later.)

SPOCK: You cheated on my test.

KIRK: I didn't like your stupid no-win scenario.

SPOCK: The Vulcan half of me finds this illogical. The human half of me wants to beat you to a pulp.

BONES: You're a pointy-eared bas--

(Romulans from the future appear.)

ROMULAN CAPTAIN NERO: Give us Spock.

SPOCK: Who? Me?

NERO: Not you! Future you!

SPOCK: Fascinating.

(Nero kidnaps Captain Pike then starts attacking Vulcan.)

SPOCK: I have to go save my family. Sulu, you have the con.

SULU: I have to go skydive off a giant drill. Chekov, you have the con.

CHEKOV: Vat should I do? Ewasive manewers?

KIRK: I got this.

UHURA: Oh, brother...

(Spock returns.)

SPOCK: I'm marooning you on an ice planet so you will stop annoying me.

(Maroons Kirk on planet where Kirk meets future-Spock.)

FUTURE-SPOCK: Don't tell me about me.

KIRK: Yeah...

SCOTTY: You lads want a lift out of this ice box?

KIRK: What'll it cost me?

SCOTTY: Got any sandwiches?

(They beam back up to enterprise.)

BONES: So what happened?

KIRK: I think we're all part of some sort of alternate reality.

BONES: D**n it, Jim! I'm a doctor not a physicist!

KIRK: It's like playing a chess game.... and then going back in time and replacing all of the pieces with cheetos.

UHURA: I know I'm the linguistics expert, but that didn't make any sense--

SCOTTY: Of course! You're playing the same game, but this time your fingers turn orange and sticky!

SPOCK: There are no flaws in this logic.

UHURA: Ugh! Why am I the only woman on this crew?

KIRK: Anyway, the important thing is, there's some world out there where I'm the captain. So as your sort of Captain, I say we go save the day.

(They save the day.)

SPOCK: You were correct in your tactics. I suppose we can be friends now.

BONE: This calls for a glass of Romulan ale!

SPOCK: How ironic.

SCOTTY: Not objecting, but has that even been discovered yet?

KIRK: Who cares!

(They laugh.)

A NOTE FOR THE LOSTIES:

J.J. Abrams, famous for being the creator of the TV show "Lost", appears to be a fan of alternate histories. Can this be a hint for what we can expect in upcoming episodes, which increasingly dally in time-travel? We shall see...

SCREEN SHOTS! Despereaux. Doubt.

2009-04-07T15:58:00.013-04:00

New to DVD this week....

TITLE: The Tale of Despereaux

RATED: G

GENRE: Family/Animation/Adventure

STARS: Matthew Broderick, Dustin Hoffman, Emma Watson, Kevin Kline, Tracey Ullman, Wiliam H. Macy

NOTABLE CREW: Directors - Sam Fell & Robert Stevenhagen, Screenwriter - Will McRobb, Based on a book by - Kate DiCamillo

SUMMARY: Once upon a time, in the kingdom of Dor, there was a little mouse named Despereaux. (Dor-mouse. Get it?) Though all the other mice are told to be fearful, Despeareaux defies convention by being brave and curious. He must befriend a rat and save a princess in order to bring light and life back to a kingdom where it never rains and there is no soup!

WHAT I REALLY THINK: The movie doesn't really grab you, but it's a decent flick with a worthwhile message. I've heard the book is better though. Makes me want to read it...

COOL FACTOIDS: Justin Long was originally cast to voice Despereaux, but the role ended up going to Matthew Broderick.

THE GOD FACTOR: Overcoming grief. Embracing forgiveness. Being brave in a fearful world. The life-lessons in this story are solid and relevant. I highly recommend it for Christian families.

WHO SHOULD WATCH IT: Families. Animation lovers. Anyone really.

NICELY DONE AWARD: Kate DiCamillo, the author of the book! Admittedly, I haven't read it, but I hear that its excellent and the movie doesn't touch it in its Newbery-winning excellence. Hey, it's subtitle is: "Being the story of a mouse, a princess, some soup, and a spool of thread." How can that go wrong? Nicely done, Kate!

TITLE: Doubt

RATED: PG-13 (for adult subject matter. nothing obscene is ever actually shown)

GENRE: Drama

STARS: Meryl Streep, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Amy Adams, Viola Davis

NOTABLE CREW: Director/Screenwriter - John Patrick Shanley, Music - Howard Shore, Cinematography - Roger Deakins, Based on a play by.... John Patrick Shanley!

SUMMARY: Sister Aloysius suspects a priest, Father Flynn, at their christian school of abusing a young boy. With help from the innocently naive Sister James, she must use all her cunning to gather evidence against Father Flynn in the male-dominated Catholic heiarchy.

WHAT I REALLY THINK: Beautiful. Quiet. Profound. Disturbing. Engrossing in its subtlety and very thought provoking.

COOL FACTOIDS: The character of Sister James was inspired by Shanley's real kindergarten teacher, Sister Margaret James.

THE GOD FACTOR: The movie centers around the basic humanity of the clergy. We see both examples of the unerringly faithful and those that struggle with spiritual doubt. The sermons of Father Flynn are remarkably well-done and eerily realistic. (You wonder if you, like the patrons of his church, would be fooled about his decency.) I would recommend it for the mature Christian who is interested in addressing questions of sin, forgiveness, and doubt. Don't expect the film to provide you with any answers though.

WHO SHOULD WATCH IT: Anyone with an open mind and enjoys movies that force you to think. Don't expect any fast action or shocking visuals. The shock is in the subject matter. The visuals are purposefully slow and poetic, to echo the slow-paced lives of the nuns.

NICELY DONE AWARD: The cast! Wow. I couldn't pick just one of them. Streep and Hoffman are especially impressive as they go head to head. They don't even have to speak. Their eyes twitch with the repressed emotion of their characters. A world of unsaid knowledge goes behind every line. There is a reason why the four stars were ALL nominated for academy awards. Nicely done, Meryl, Phillip, Amy, and Viola!

The Day the Audience Stood Still

2009-04-05T23:37:00.017-04:00

A giant liquid sphere lowers slowly over central park. People gather in awe. Out of a bright light comes an expressionless entity. Distant. Still. Inhuman. Nothing escapes its large, vacant stare. There's also a robot.

So we first meet Keanu Reeves' character, Klaatu, in The Day the Earth Stood Still, a remake of the 1951 sci-fi classic. The story is about Klaatu, an alien from an unnamed alliance of planets, who comes to Earth to determine whether or not it should be destroyed. He is shot, captured, and interrogated by government officials. Klaatu escapes with the help of astro-biologist Helen Benson (Jennifer Connelly, A Beautiful Mind) and her step-son Jacob (Jaden Smith, The Pursuit of Happyness). As the three go on the run, it is up to Helen to convince Klaatu that mankind is inherently good so that he will stop the impending destruction.

You have to be careful about adaptations, especially when the original is held up as one of the greats by geeks everywhere. I thought I might give director Scott Derrickson a few pointers, in case he tries this again. Without further ado,

SEVEN STEPS TO MAKING A GOOD ADAPTATION:

1. R.U.E. Resist the urge to explain!

This is a popular acronymn used among writers. Magic is mystery. Your audience are not idiots, they do not need the plot spoon-fed to them. In the 1951 version, we knew that Klaatu was, technically, a human, but they never explained where he came from. This contributed to his messianic aura and gave his character a stronger air of dignity. In the new one, the unnecessary scene at the beginning showing where Klaatu's human body came from, sucks just a little bit of magic out of the story.

OTHER RULE-BREAKERS: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (Willy Wonka has daddy issues?), Star Wars: The Phantom Menace (meta-chloriwhatins?).

2. Two many stars spoil the pot.

Don't get me wrong. I understand the need for them, and there are plenty of great genre movies filled with great stars. The stars in this movie are taken from A-list, B-list, and TV, causing every scene to be a game of "where did I see that guy before." Their talents are underused in their brief, side-roles, and some of them seem to be cast against type. (An un-funny John Cleese.) You want to make movies that will legitimize the stars, not cast stars to legitimize the movie. Here's a tip: Save your celebrities for the meaty roles, or, if you want to be risky, use a no-name in the main part and give him some celebrity supports. (This is what happened with Al Pacino in The Godfather. That worked out pretty well, as I recall.)

3. Special effects are not a substitute for story.

The effects are really cool. I will give it that. That did not stop me from being bored or confused during many of the effects scenes. I love GORT's giant red eye, but what were those scientists thinking when they put him in a room where he could watch everything they were doing? Whether they know it or not, people love a good story. Effects exist to compliment the plot. The plot should not be altered to have an excuse for nifty effects.

EXCEPTIONS TO THIS RULE: When someone has to invent a new technology just to create the effect, making the effect way too cool to miss. (eg: Terminator 2, The Matrix)

4. If you're going to modernize, do it right.

One of the reasons the original Day the Earth Stood Still was so effective was that it spoke to the cold-war paranoia of the time. What issue did the remake speak to? Violence is bad. The eco-system is good. Not exactly hard-hitting. There is brief reference to a non-specific war, I assume Iraq, but the filmmakers never named it. Iron Man made a smooth move by letting their superhero be captured by terrorists, and even Watchmen's alter-80s universe, even though it was period, spoke to themes that are still issues today. Aliens are going to destroy the world! This is a global issue! Make it feel global. Make it feel NOW. The alliance of alien worlds wants to wipe out any rising cultures that look like they might present a threat to their way of life. Does sound like any issues you can think of in the world today? Why was this not brought to the forefront?

5. Don't forget your audience.

Speaking of modernizing, you do realize that people today like fast-hitting action, right? Judging by the previews, most of the people going to see this (the ones who don't know much about the original) will be looking for some alien carnage, not a moony Keanu Reeves touching spheres and ducking nanites. If you wanted to make a drama, you should have cast a dramatic actor. If you wanted to make a homage, you should have set it in the 50s. But no, you wanted to appeal to modern audiences. Though we sci-fi geeks might have hated you for it, you might at least win over the modern action-junkie with a few more explosions and a lot less Jennifer Connelly trying to impress her bratty step-son. You can't please everyone. That's just how it is. Decide who you want to please and stick with it. Go big or go home.

6. Don't fix what ain't broken!

I have to ask. Why remake this movie anyway? Sure, the original is preachy and dated, but we still love it. What is with the trend of taking good movies from the past and turning them into mediocre movies of the present? (Psycho, Miracle on 34th Street, Planet of the Apes, King Kong, The Pink Panther, etc. etc. etc.) If you want your children to love it as much as you do, show them your old VHSs, tell them about what an impact the movie made at the time, and move on. If they don't like it, they don't like it. It's okay. They'll make their own classics and try to convince their kids that Jurassic Park really was scary in the theater. Idea. How about we take bad movies with good concepts and turn them into good movies? Remember the movie The Island? Ewan McGregor. Scarlett Johanson. Not spectacular, but it was pretty good. Its plot actually came off an older movie that was so bad, that it was featured on Mystery Science Theater. Bad movie turned into decent movie. We can start a trend.

7. Instead of remaking the movie, why not go back to the original story?

The Day the Earth Stood Still was actually inspired by a short story called "Farewell to the Master" by Harry Bates. It is, of course, completely different from either of the movies, which is why it would be interesting if someone decided to make one more like the story. In all likelihood, you're not going to read it, so I'll ruin the ending. The robot turns out to be the master. Now wouldn't that be interesting?

Well, that covers it. To sum up, this remake won't have you chanting "Klaatu Barada Niktu", but it might give you some nice eye-candy for an hour and a half.

AND THE 'NICELY DONE AWARD' GOES TO....

Robert Wise, the director of the original!

Why? Because he's awesome, and without him, no one would have thought that movie was worth remaking in the first place. Nicely done, Robert!

THE GOD FACTOR:

The original definitely had messianic over tones. The main character comes to earth with a message of goodwill and a warning of repentance, is killed, resurrected, and ascends back into space. The remake has much of the same story elements, although the Jesus allegory is not quite so obvious.

THE 10-SECONDS THE EARTH STOOD STILL:

(knock, knock)

SOLDIER: Come with us.

HELEN: Why?

SOLDIER: It's a secret.

HELEN: Is that an alien ship landing in central park?

SOLDIER: umm....

(The ship opens. Klaatu walks out.)

KLAATU: I come in peace.

OFFICER: Kill it!

(They shoot it. One autopsy later, they discover that it is still alive and it looks like Keanu Reeves.)

SCIENTIST: Kill it!

HELEN: That's a little harsh. I think I'll help it escape.

KLAATU: No, thanks. I got it.

(They escape.)

HELEN: By the way, meet my step-son, Jacob.

JACOB: Kill it!

KLAATU: Cute kid. By the way, we're planning on destroying Earth.

HELEN: Don't do that.

KLAATU: I'll think about it.

(His robot, Gort, starts destroying Earth.)

HELEN: I thought you said you had to think about it.

KLAATU: This is how I think.

HELEN: Looks like we might die. I love you, Jacob.

JACOB: I love you too, even if you're an evil step-mom.

KLAATU: Humans are capable of love? Hmm. Too bad we already starting destroying things.

HELEN: Can't you stop it?

KLAATU: Destroying a civilization is like eating a bag of chips. Once you start, it's hard to stop.

HELEN: At least save the two of us!

KLAATU: Okay, I'll take my robots and leave.

HELEN: Before you go, what's the meaning of life?

KLAATU: Be excellent to each other.

HELEN AND JACOB: Woa.

SCREEN SHOTS! Slumdog. Quantum. Bolt. Bedtime.

2009-04-05T13:42:00.015-04:00

I have come to the realization that there just isn't enough time in the week to write a full review of every movie I see. However, that's no reason for you to miss out on the fun. Enter Screen Shots!, a quick dose of what's new to DVD and if you should be watching it.

TITLE: Slumdog Millionaire

RATED: R (for violence and adult situations)

GENRE: Drama/Romance/Foreign

LANGUAGES: English/Hindi

STARS: Dev Patel, Freida Pinto, Madhur Mittal

NOTABLE CREW: Director - Danny Boyle (Millions, 28 Days Later, Trainspotting), Screenwriter - Simon Beaufoy, Based on a novel by - Vikas Swarup, Cinematographer - Anthony Dod Mantle, Editor - Chris Dickens

SUMMARY: Jamal, a young man from the slums of India, goes farther than anyone has before on the game show "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" in the hopes of reuniting with his true love, Latika. How does he do it? Scenes from his life illustrate his profound destiny.

WHAT I REALLY THINK: Go. Rent it. Now.

COOL FACTOIDS: Academy Award Winner for Best Cinematography, Best Director, Best Editing, Best Original Score, Best Original Song ("Jai Ho"), Best Sound, Best Picture, Best Screenplay. Academy Award Nominated for Best Sound Editing, Best Song ("O Saya")

THE GOD FACTOR: Though the dominate religion of the characters is Muslim, the themes are universal. Hope, forgiveness, and love are stronger than violence.

WHO SHOULD WATCH IT: You should. (If you're an adult, that is. Not for the kiddies.) Harrowing drama combines beautifully with uplifting fantasy.

NICELY DONE AWARD: Composer A.R. Rahman! The soundtrack... amazing! Totally deserved the academy awards it got. Nicely done, A.R.!

TITLE: James Bond in Quantum of Solace

RATED: PG-13

GENRE: Action/Adventure/Espionage

STARS: Daniel Craig, Olga Kurylenko, Judi Dench, Mathieu Amalric

NOTABLE CREW: Director - Marc Foster, Cinematographer - Roberto Schaefer, Editors - Matt Chesse & Richard Pearson

SUMMARY: Picking up directly where Casino Royale left off, Quantum follows spy extraordinaire James Bond as he woos women and uncovers the existence of a corrupt and powerful organization.

WHAT I REALLY THINK: Twice the action, but not nearly as clever as its franchise reinventing predecessor. Oh yeah, and worst... title... ever.

COOL FACTOIDS: Look for many homages to previous Bond flicks. (Hint: The Goldfinger homage is REALLY obvious.)

THE GOD FACTOR: um.... a lot of people are sent to meet their maker...

WHO SHOULD WATCH IT: Action junkies and Bond enthusiasts.

NICELY DONE AWARD: Stunt coordinator, Gary Powell! It's not a Bond flick without being packed full of ridiculous stunts. This one doesn't disappoint. Nicely done, Gary!

TITLE: Bolt

RATED: PG (for, I'm not kidding, "mild action and peril")

GENRE: Family/Animation/Comedy/Adventure

STARS: John Travolta, Miley Cyrus, Susie Essman, Mark Walton, Malcolm McDowell

NOTABLE CREW: Directors - Byron Howard, Chris Williams Screenwriters - Dan Fogelman, Chris Williams

SUMMARY: Bolt, a Hollywood dog who thinks he has superpowers, gets separated from his 'person' Penny. He treks across the country with new friends, a cynical cat and an over-enthusiastic hamster, to win her back.

WHAT I REALLY THINK: Cute but unimpressive. It gets lost in the back log of all the cute, computer-animated family films that have come out recently.

COOL FACTOIDS: This is the first Disney film produced under the new chief creative officer John Lasseter.

THE GOD FACTOR: Unconditional love comes in all shapes and sizes. What's truly important in life is not fame or power, but it's being with those you love.

WHO SHOULD WATCH IT: Kids. Families. Anyone with time to kill on a Saturday afternoon.

NICELY DONE AWARD: Rhino the hamster! (and the crew and cast that created him) Sorry Bolt, that funny little hamster completely steals the show. All good things come from life, and Rhino was based on John Lasseter's pet chinchilla and his plastic ball. Nicely done, Rhino!

TITLE: Bedtime Stories

RATED: PG

GENRE: Family/Comedy/Fantasy

STARS: Adam Sandler, Keri Russell, Guy Pearce, Courtney Cox, Jonathan Morgan Heit, Laura Ann Kesling

NOTABLE CREW: Director - Adam Shankman, Screenwriters - Matt Lopez & Tim Herlihy

SUMMARY: As the bedtime stories Skeeter tells to his niece and nephew start to come true, his life turns into magical comic mayhem. Can he get the girl, keep his job, and save the day? I think so.

WHAT I REALLY THINK: It's like eating too much cotton candy. Sweet at first, but after a while your teeth hurt, and you crave more grown-up food.

COOL FACTOIDS: The bulldog in the movie is Adam Sandler's actual pooch: Meatball.

THE GOD FACTOR: It just takes a little faith and determination to accomplish your dreams.

WHO SHOULD WATCH IT: Safe for anyone. Kids and young teens will like it the most. Some adults might start tuning out upon the entrance of the Nickelodeon-worthy animated booger monster.

The True Adventure of "Marley and Me"

2009-03-27T15:42:00.006-04:00

"A dog doesn't care if you're rich or poor, educated or illiterate, clever or dull. Give him your heart, and he will give you his."

People with well-behaved dogs don't understand. Why don't you train him better? Why don't you keep him on a leash? Why do you let him on your furniture? Why don't you send him away? But those of us who have had unruly animals know. It's because we love them.

My very first dog was Buster. He was a giant beagle who never came when you called, ate everything whether or not it was edible, howled at all hours of the night, and frequently uprooted our neighbors' garbage. The best part of my day, whether walking back from church or getting home from a torturous day at middle school, was being greeted by Buster with a wagging tail and a slobbery smile. He loved us unconditionally. After watching Marley and Me, I was crying as if Buster had died yesterday.

The movie is based on a book of the same title by columnist John Grogan. It tells the true story of John (Owen Wilson) and his wife Jennifer (Jennifer Aniston) dealing with the everyday struggles of life, marriage, and pet care. As a newly-wed pair of aspiring reporters, John and Jenn move to south Florida to build a life for themselves. Afraid of the responsibility of fatherhood, John decides that the next logical step should be to get his wife a puppy: Marley. Marley proves to be a destructive, but lovable, force of nature. He howls uncontrollably during lightning storms, eats everything from necklaces to floor tiling, and gets himself kicked out of obedience school. As the years pass their family grows to include three children, and Marley becomes a symbol of the bond they have with each other.

What is great about this movie is that it's not just another man+dog+comic antics flick (ex: Beethoven). It's about a real marriage and about the real transition everybody has to make from young and carefree to responsible husband/wife/parents. Despite the fact that the attractive stars do not appear to age, the situations remain so down-to-earth that we're willing to overlook that. A husband, approaching mid-life, feels repressed by his job and his demanding home life. A wife is forced to set her successful career aside to be a full-time mother. Meanwhile, the dog rushes in and out of these situations like a tornado, causing just enough upheaval to unite them to a common purpose and a common love.

Even if you're not a dog person, Marley and Me is a wonderful film about the richness and beauty of family and appreciating the life you already have. If you are a dog person, make sure you're well-stocked with kleenex. You're going to need them.

My Rating: A-

AND THE 'NICELY DONE' AWARD GOES TO....

Author John Grogan and his dog Marley!

Sorry, filmmakers. The magic of this story comes from the fact that it's true. John Grogan, inspired by the life and love of 'the world's worst dog', had the idea to put together his old columns into a book. For that, we are thankful. Nicely done, John! Nicely done, Marley!

How to Watch the "Watchmen"

2009-03-23T17:06:00.020-04:00

This is not a superhero movie. Let's just go ahead and lay that out right now. Yes, it is about superheroes. Yes, men run around in funny outfits and masks fighting crime. But this is not a superhero movie. If that is what you are expecting, Watchmen isn't for you.

The original graphic novel, penned in the mid-80s by Alan Moore, focused mostly on the question: What would the world be like if there really were masked vigilantes? The result wasn't pretty. After all, anyone who runs around at night in leather underwear beating up criminals is not going to be right in the head. Just as shocking as the state of the heroes is the state of the world. In this alter-80s, cold war paranoia is at its height, America has won the Vietnam war, Nixon's been elected for a 3rd term, the world is on the brink of nuclear war, and the public has developed a hatred of costumed heroes. Director Zack Snyder (300) made every effort to keep the movie consistent with the book. My complaint is not about what differed, but about what was NOT changed.

You will think that since this is a Christian blog that I am about to criticize the graphic sex and violence. Though these things can be tough to take, particularly if you are one of the many who weren't expecting it, the graphicness cannot be fully removed without also dulling the hard edge of the story. (I do, however, ask the viewer to exercise extreme discretion.) Then again, this is a movie, not a graphic novel, and what works well on paper does not always work well on screen. Filtering is the necessary and inevitable result of adaptation. If the audience cannot pay attention to the story because they are too distracted by Dr. Manhattan's big blue, um, man-parts, then perhaps one should consider shooting from a different angle. The continuous use of flashbacks, which was artistically crafted in side-by-side panels in the comic, becomes disorienting when put on the screen. The actors, who seem to have been cast entirely on their ability to resemble the character drawings, deliver their lines at each other like the best of soap-opera stars. This is not entirely their fault, however, since the film is so reliant on visuals that they clearly were posed in front of blue screens and had no creative flexibility, which good actors require in order to disappear into their characters. The music, though well chosen, was poorly mixed into the scenes, causing just another distraction.

Despite these criticisms, the story remains good and the characters are wonderfully complex. The big change at the climax (which I will not reveal here) is arguably more coherent than the climax of the original. The biggest standout is the character of Rorschach (Jackie Earle Haley, Little Children), a psychotic but uncompromising vigilante who spends most of the movie concealed behind his ink-blot mask. The Comedian, around whose death the plot is centered, is also well portrayed (by Jeffrey Dean Morgan, P.S. I Love You, Grey's Anatomy) although death didn't leave him much screen time. The action sequences are well done, but there are great lengths of time between them. Patience is required.

So who should watch the Watchmen? Hardcore comic fans, thinkers, and all those who are curious about the idea of what might happen to the world if everyone decided to play God. Who shouldn't watch it? The squeamish and the impatient. If you're looking for a few hours of blissful escapism, this movie is not for you. For the rest, I recommend checking it out.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go wash my brain out with Superman, so that I can renew my faith in the wholesome superhero.

My Rating: Story -- A Execution -- C+

AND THE 'NICELY DONE' AWARD GOES TO....

Production Designer Alex McDowell and the visual effects team!

It's a tie! From sets to costuming, the design and look of of this film was painstakingly crafted to match the world of the bleak alter-80s. No detail was missed. (Except in a few places. Thank you for changing Silk Specter's costume!) Combined with the stunning visual effects (that translucent glow off of Dr. Manhatten's, um, shoulders), Watchmen came to life in all of its grungy glory. Nicely done, Alex! Nicely done, visual effects team!

*PARENTAL WARNING!*

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD A CHILD BE BROUGHT TO THIS FILM! This is not a "superhero" movie. The good guys aren't good and the bad guys are even worse. The Dark Knight was a walk in the park. This movie is rated R for many, very good, reasons. Give your kid an Iron Man DVD and go see Watchmen by yourself.

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THE 10-SECOND WATCHMEN:

THE COMEDIAN: Life's a joke. (dies)

RORSCHACH: Life's a cesspool.

DR. MANHATTEN: Life is insignificant.

NITE OWL: Life is dull.

OZYMANDIAS: I can kill you with my brain.

SILK SPECTRE: But there are good things about life too!

NITE OWL: I've changed my mind. You're hot.

DR. MANHATTEN: You're all just talking ants to me. (leaves earth)

RORSCHACH: And they think I'm crazy.

OZYMANDIAS: Perhaps there's a way I can save civilization AND kill you with my brain...

SILK SPECTRE: Umm....

NITE OWL: Maybe we should talk about this...

RORSCACH: Maybe if I bash some heads....

DR. MANHATTEN: (returns to earth) After careful consideration, I've decided life is good.

SILK SPECTRE: That's a relief. Are you going to help us?

DR. MANHATTEN: Can't. Time paradox and all. Before I go would you like me to blow anyone up?

RORSCHACH: This is insane!

(Dr. Manhatten blows [undisclosed person] up.)

NITE OWL: So that's that.

SILK SPECTRE: I guess so

NITE OWL: Wanna make out?

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I Was a Teenage Vampire: The "Twilight" Phenomenon

2009-03-23T10:38:00.010-04:00

When Nosferatu, with his bald head, bulging eyes, and hooked fingers, appeared in a woman's room in the night, she would scream in terror. When Edward Cullen, the undead hero of the blockbuster film Twilight, appeared in a woman's room at night, she would try to make out with him. Things sure have changed since 1922.

The rise of the vampire from demonic villain to romantic lead should come as no surprise to anyone in this post-Buffy the Vampire Slayer society. Since Dracula, vampires have proven time and time again to be the sexiest of the walking dead. (Sorry, zombies. You never had a chance.) But even Interview with a Vampire knew that it was a bloody and terrible business to be a demon. What makes Twilight, originally penned as a series of novels by author Stephanie Meyer, so special? It's not about the vampire. It's about the life of Bella, a (seemingly) average American girl.

The story begins with Bella (Kristen Stewart, Into the Wild) moving into a new town with her divorcee dad. She quickly becomes the victim of 'new-girl-in-town' syndrome and is pursued by many of the local boys. She, however, only has eyes for silent and slightly-creepy Edward. (Robert Pattinson, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire) Edward has a lot of things going for him. He's smart. He's super-strong. He sparkles in the sunlight. He climbs like a spider-monkey. There's just the small problem that he craves human blood, and none more so than Bella's. Blinded by love, Bella sees no more problem in this than in their 100-year age difference. Trouble arises when some new blood-suckers arrive in town and get a whiff of Bella's Grade-A life juice. Can Edward and his lovable family of 'vegetarian' vampires protect her? Not to give anything away, but there's four books in the Twilight Saga. You do the math.

I started into the movie expecting it to be a bit cheeseball. What I found was that I liked it. I really liked it. Not just because I'm a girl and can appreciate a halfway-decent romance. The action and effects were staged well enough for many boys to admit, secretly, to me that they liked it too. The thanks for this goes to director Catherine Hardwicke (The Nativity Story, Lords of Dogtown), who executed the mood and pace of the story seamlessly. The characters are dimensional and the town itself has an ambience that ties them together smoothly. No, it is not perfect. The acting is so-so and many of the shots appear to be posed for the express purpose of looking good on a magazine. However, I highly recommend it for teens, young adults, and vampire-enthusiasts looking for a new twist on the mythology. You might be surprised how much you enjoy it.

AND THE 'NICELY DONE' AWARD FOR BEST PERFORMANCE BY A CAST/CREW MEMBER GOES TO....

Film Editor, Nancy Richardson!

The flawless transitions between music and images is what really elevated this picture from teen-pulp to moody romance. Even the layman will be able to appreciate the montage/flashback scenes for their poetic-execution. Nicely done, Nancy!

*PARENTAL WARNING!*

"Twilight" does for vampires what "Harry Potter" did for witches. If you are not ready to have a discussion with your kids about teenage sexuality or the difference between fantasy vampirism and vampiric cults, then I recommend waiting a few years before allowing them to view it. I heard a worrying story the other day about a group of pre-pre-teen girls at a convention who actually scratched their necks to the point of bleeding because they thought this might attract star Robert Pattinson. I should point out that this is not example of most young girls. Let me say that again. This is NOT most girls. There is no reason to ban a mature-minded teen from seeing this film, but please use your discretion.

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THE 10-SECOND TWILIGHT:

*contains spoilers!*

Bella: I'm new here.

Edward: (glares)

Bella: Who are you?

(Edward saves her from an oncoming car.)

Edward: Er... nobody.

Bella: You're a vampire, aren't you?

Edward: I want to eat you.

Bella: I love you.

Edward: I'm dangerous. Stay away from me.

Bella: But I love you.

Edward: I love you too. You smell like chicken.

Bella: I will never leave you.

James: She does smell like chicken! Can I eat her?

Bella: Hey! Somebody's trying to kill me!

Edward: Told you so! I guess I better protect you.

Bella: You saved me! We can be together forever!

Edward: Yeah, about that.... I still kinda want to eat you. Hope this doesn't cause conflict in the sequel.

Jacob: I think you should stay away from Edward. He's dangerous. Not like me... nope... nothing unusual here... (howls)

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