How to Choose a Movie: A Renter's Guide

I know. You’re bored. You’re tired. You want nothing more than to go home, throw in a DVD, snuggle up with your significant other and/or a small furry mammal and relax for a couple of hours. But there’s a problem. You have no idea what you actually want! What’s out? What’s good? Is it something the other person will like? Is it something you would actuallyenjoy sans other people (as opposed to pretending to enjoy just because the people around you are pretending to enjoy it too)? These are questions that make the process of renting (or downloading, Hello, Netflix users!) much more stressful than it needs to be. So here’s a few tips that will hopefully ease your distress:

1. If you’re looking for something specific, know specifically what you’re looking for!

This seems obvious, but all too many people drive all the way down to the video store with an itch to see the rest of that movie they saw the first five minutes of on TV the other week, and have no idea what it’s called. While your helpful video store associate most likely has watched more movies than you, you cannot rely on them having an encyclopedic knowledge of the entire history of cinema. Occasionally they eat and sleep too, and he/she has probably not seen “that movie with that scene with that lady, who was in that other thing I can’t remember, flying a helicopter”. My suggestion: www.imdb.com. Go there. Look it up. If you can’t remember ANY of the actors’ names or crew members names, try the TV guide. Better hurry. I hear they’re rerunning that movie with that funny actor you really like. You know the one, he teams up with that other famous dude and they solve crimes. Remember? There’s a dog too. Maybe. That might be another movie...

2. What mood are you in?

This seems easy too, right? I mean, right now I’m feeling kind mellow, so I can go for a light comedy, or a romance, or a fun sci-fi, or perhaps I’m ready to tackle one of those meaty, depressing, intellectual films? Let’s take this back a notch. First off, obviously, consider who you’re watching it with. If it’s the family, you’re probably getting a light-hearted family movie. If it’s the significant other, you want something with at least some romance in it (for girls) or some action in it (for boys). If it’s a film discussion group, go ahead and get that meaty, depressing, intellectual film. ‘But what about me?’ You think. ‘What do I want to see?’ My advice is to not think about what mood you are in right now. Think about what mood you want to be in. How do you want to feel when the movie’s over and the credits roll? Happy? Relieved? Excited? Energetic? Thoughtful? Enlightened? Inspired? Just because it’s the latest thing out and it’s nominated for an academy award, doesn’t mean it’s what you need right now. Sometimes what you need right now is a senseless, corny, popcorn flick or an old favorite from your childhood. The point is... You already know what you want to see, at least the emotion of it. Don’t let yourself be pressured by what you think that you should want.

3. Don’t judge a DVD by its front cover...

...its back cover tells you much more. If you’re worried that little synopsis will give too much away, don’t. You won’t learn anything more than you’ve already seen in the preview. Unless this is a movie you already know something about, it’s important to at least skim the synopsis. Just because there’s a man with a gun on the cover, does not mean it’s an action flick. Sometimes it’s a low-key human drama with only one or two scenes featuring gun play. You would never know this unless you READ THE SYNOPSIS. Sometimes it features smiling people in front of a pretty countryside and appears to be something uplifting and inspirational, but how many uplifting words do you see in that synopsis? Are there words in the synopsis like “struggle”, “heartache”, or “brutal past”? The film might be about the downward spiral of a quirky but ultimately doomed character, or it might end happily enough, but begin with some heavy scenes that you were not prepared for today. If the cover features only the thoughtful face of a famous actor, it can be anything! READ THE SYNOPSIS! You’re not allowed to be surprised by the large content of sex and violence if it is clearly written in the synopsis that your main character is “on the trail of a serial sex offender.” Don’t be surprised if the characters burst out into song either if somewhere in the synopsis are the words “a musical romp” or if anyone solves their issue through “the power of song.” In short: JUST READ THE SYNOPSIS!

SIDE NOTE: CON-MOVIES. It doesn’t hurt to take a careful look at the title also. There are many movies with titles like the movie you are looking for, but they are not. In fact, there are companies that produce cheap movies specifically designed to trick you, the consumer, into renting it by mistake. For example, “Terminators” is not the same as “The Terminator”. “Transmorphers” is not the same as “Transformers”. “I Am Omega” is not the same as “I Am Legend.” And that Sherlock Holmes movie which features a picture of the famous detective fighting – I am not making this up – a dinosaur, a dragon, and a squid, is NOT the same as the new Robert Downey Jr. one. This list can go on and on. When in doubt, ask somebody.

4. Do judge a DVD by the QUALITY of its cover.

You’ve seen enough movie posters and DVD covers by now to notice the difference between a professional one and an unprofessional one, right? Bad photoshop. Lazy font. Dim, unrecognizable pictures. These are all signs of a cheap production value. If the filmmakers did such a poor job designing the DVD, just think of how poorly they did designing the movie! Even if the front is pretty good, look at the still frames on the back. Remember, these pictures are supposed to represent the BEST the film has to offer. Is it someone valiantly poised face-to-face with a kung fu master or is it a blurry, flatly lit frame of a guy kicking a board? Do they even bother to show you the actor’s face? It’s true, there may be a few rare gems mixed in among the bad cover design victims, but don’t rely on chance to pick these out. The odds are against you.

5. New DOES NOT equal better.

I know all the trailers made ‘Super Action Man 4: The Return of the Lemur!’ look really cool, but if you haven’t seen 1-3, see those first. As a general rule, the original is almost always better. (There are exceptions. Batman, for example.) Not only is the original better, but in many outlets, it’s cheaper also! I’m gonna go ahead and apply this rule also to remakes and, one of my favorite new terms, ‘re-imaginings’.

There appears to be a common malady in movie stores to treat old movies as if they were carriers of the swine flu. To this, I have three comments. First of all, many of them are not that old. (The majority of your ‘old’ releases have come out in the past decade.) Secondly, if you haven’t seen it, it’s new to you! Thirdly, your chances are better, yes, BETTER for randomly picking a good movie out of the old section than of randomly finding one on the new release wall. Why? Because the bad movies have no staying power and are eventually sold or shipped off because nobody is renting them.

My advice? Unless there’s something specific and new that you wanted to see, peruse the old release section. I know you think you’ve already seen everything, but trust me, NOBODY has seen everything. Imagine it’s the new release wall. There. Does that help?

6. You can’t judge a movie by its actors.

Well you can. Sometimes. There are three categories by which to measure them: quality, quantity, and genre-hopping.

• Quality. If there is an Academy Award winning actor in it, it is safe to bet on good performances. (Exception: Catwoman. Shudder.) And unless there are explosions on the cover, it is also safe to bet this will be a thought-provoking human drama. I hope that’s what you’re looking for. If this star is a tabloid-headliner, we might be looking at a popcorn flick. If the star is primarily/formerly either a TV star, a musician, a wrestler, a C-list indie star, someone who used to be famous and you thought had dropped off the face of the earth, or any combination of the above categories, put down the movie and back away. There are exceptions to this rule, but you will hear of these exceptions from the entertainment news or from your friends. You will hear the words “break-out star” or “comeback”. Trust these words from reviewers. Do not trust these words from DVD covers or posters. (See Tip #9)
• Quantity. Wow! There’s LOTS of people I’ve heard of in this movie. Some of them have even been nominated for Academy Awards and one of them won a Golden Globe! It MUST be good! Right? Wrong! In fact, be wary of movies that boast too many familiar faces. Most likely they are trying too hard to make up for an unimpressive or confusing story by blinding you with famous people. Even in a decent movie, overkill on the fame can be too distracting. But why would somebody famous be in a bad movie? There are only two reasons. Either they want the money or they believed that this script was the one that would win them that award this time. Usually it’s the money. Especially if they’re anything other than an A-lister. Again, I recommend READ THE SYNOPSIS. Remember, actors don’t make the movies. A whole team of people make the movies, and if any one of them lacks talent, everyone else looks bad too. It’s the sad lot of the film professional.
• Genre-Bending. Never start your search by looking for “the latest (famous actor) movie.” Some actors, having been type-cast for most of their careers, decide that they are too talented to be put in a box and take on projects that are vastly different from what you’ve seen them in before. Many comedians switch to dramatic roles, and do a very good job with it. Many dramatic actors accept roles in comedies movies and also do a very good job. In this instance, you can usually identify the switch fairly easily. If the actor has a goofy smile on the DVD cover, you’re probably looking at one of their usual comedies. If they’re standing thoughtfully against a well-designed backdrop, this might be a drama. Also be mindful that these days many of the best movies are mix-genred: dramatic-comedy, action-drama, comedic-thriller, romantic-action, tragic-comedy, comedic-horror, dramatic-animation and more. Read the synopsis. Your favorite funny actor might not always be funny.

SIDE NOTE: THE Z-LISTERS. You’ve heard of A-list actors before. Even B-list and, thanks to Kathy Griffin, the D-list. But I have decided there needs to be a new category for formerly A-list actors who now make their living by appearing in every low-budget independent movie they can get their hands on. I call them the Z-listers. You’ll know the actors. You probably really loved them ten years ago, but huh, they have a new movie? Gosh, I didn’t know they had a new movie! I don’t remember seeing it in theaters. (It wasn’t!) If this person who did a lot of great stuff ten years ago is in it, it must be good. Right? Sadly, no. The Z-List movies might not be too terrible, but they will be bland, forgettable, and your favorite actor will have gained a lot of weight. They are also almost exclusively straight-to-DVD releases. The Z-List changes over the years. This year’s Z-List includes Val Kilmer, Christian Slater, Ray Liotta, and Cuba Gooding Jr. Again, good actors. Not good movies.

7. Try something new occasionally.

Some people run at the sound of those funny foreign syllables coming out of the characters’ mouths. Some people gag when somebody on screen suddenly bursts into song. Some people take a nap if the majority of the movie appears to be shot much like your local news broadcasts. I get it. You’re not used to these things. And while it may not be your usual style, sometimes it doesn’t hurt to stick with the movie and see what happens. If you truly cannot stand the subtitles, just turn on the English dubbing, and you can still appreciate a surprisingly moving Swedish vampire movie. Or if the music makes you uncomfortable, keep watching, at least half-way, and see if you don’t become interested in the characters or the story, even find yourself singing along to your favorite Beatles songs. If that documentary-style format seems boring at first, keep watching, eventually someone might turn into an alien, and the special effects will be amazing! Going out of your comfort zone provokes thought, and thought deepens your appreciation for what your viewing, or if not what you’re viewing, at least you will love the movies you have always loved even more.

If you still feel you must absolutely avoid these unusual things in your viewing experience, that’s fine. Unfortunately, your average DVD does not loudly advertise whether or not it’s in another language, is a musical, is documentary-like, is in black-and-white, jumps around in time as a story-telling device, or other elements that might make you uncomfortable. You’ll have to look for clues on the cover or in the synopsis. (Hint: If you don’t recognize the actors and they all have hard to pronounce names, it’s probably in another language.) The most reliable thing you can do, of course, is ask somebody to describe the movie to you. They will most likely start their description with the unusual thing, such as “It’s a musical about a serial killer” or “It’s a Spanish ghost story.” If the words of that sentence make you squeamish, put it back. If you like only half of that sentence, why not give it a try? Perhaps the half you didn’t like won’t be so bad when viewed in context.

8. Read the fine print.

Ratings. Language. Widescreen. Length. All these things are somewhere on the cover, but you do have to look for them. They’re usually in the little rectangle on the bottom of the back cover. Parents, I’m sorry, but gone are the days when you could just pick up anything with a superhero or a cartoon character on the cover and assume that it’s safe for your children to view. Many of those are made for adults now and you must be especially discerning when you rent. Check the rating. Read the synopsis. There is also, pretty much always, a place that tells you what language tracks it’s available in and what subtitles are available, if needed. (Again, that little retangular box on the bottom of the back cover.) Many discs are also two-sided now. One side might be 3D and the other regular (hint: you will never rent a 3D movie without there being an option for normal viewing), one might be wide screen and the other full screen, one might be special features and the other the movie. If you don’t have a blu-ray player, don’t rent anything that says “blu-ray” across the top. Pay attention. Read the fine print. It’ll save you a trip.

9. Reviews are your friends. Friends are your reviewers.

Generally, a safe rule is that if you’ve heard of the movie, it’s probably at least descent. Well, well-produced anyway. There are no guarantees for good story. The majority is certainly not always right, but they are your best bet when choosing something quickly. If you’ve heard and read good things about it or if you’re friends are telling you it’s good, you should get it. More than anything, your friends’ opinions will be the most helpful to you, because your friends have similar taste to yours. The person at the video store may be full of trivia and be well-cultured in film lore, but they may also have a vastly different taste from your own, as good as their taste may seem to be. We all have different humors. Your friends are most likely closest to your own. Trust their suggestions (only if they’ve seen it!) first, critics second, video store person third. Again, different tastes. Someone else may hate a movie that you absolutely love. Be a good judge of character and think, ‘Is this the sort of person who I would hang out with in everyday life?’ If the answer is no, there’s a good chance their taste in movies differs from your own too.

Some movies have very good previews but get awful reviews. These exciting previews may feature exciting actors doing exciting things, but if you haven’t heard or read a single good thing about the film itself, don’t be so certain. Previews are designed to make you want to see a movie, not to be honest.

Also be wary of the quotes on the DVD covers themselves. Look at where the quote’s from. Is it a reputable publication or entertainment show, or is it the producer’s mom? Short quotes such as “Exciting!” “Thrilling!” “A Must-See!” should also be taken out of the equation, because these may very easily be out of context from the orginal review.

One last warning. Don’t trust opening weekend box office! That a movie is very popular the week it’s released in the theaters or on video means only one thing: that it is new. The people renting it are just like you, they saw a new movie on the shelf with an exciting, shiny cover which had exciting, shiny previews, and thought it would be good. That’s why its popular its first week. Many very bad movies have rented very well for just this reason. Using the discretion you’ve already learned, judge for yourself whether or not you think it’ll live up to its hype and choose accordingly.

10. If you still picked a turkey...

So you have you’re rental. It has an intriguing synopsis, an A-list cast, a friend of a friend saw it in the theater, and she said that she liked it. You pop some microwave popcorn and push play. After five minutes, you already know. This film is horrible. What do you do? The only thing you can do. Laugh. Invite some friends over. Riff on it. Enjoy the experience if you can’t enjoy the film.

If it’s just too awful to even laugh at, try turning off your TV and playing monopoly. You might not get your money back for the awful rental, but at least you’ll collect $200 every time you pass go.