The 30-Second LOST (Season 2)

(Jack, Locke, and Kate finally enter the hatch only to discover....)

DESMOND: Who're you and what are you doing in my hatch, brother?

KATE: Plane crash.

LOCKE: Destiny.

JACK: I'm getting de ja vu.

HURLEY: Hey, awesome, there's like food and showers and guns down here. Enough for everybody. That's just convenient. So, like, why're you living in a hole in the ground, dude?

DESMOND: I was trying to win a boat race around the world to impress the love of my life, Penny. But I crashed here and have been spending the last 3 years pushing a button every 108 minutes.

JACK: Why?

DESMOND: Just saving the world.

LOCKE: Let me in on that action.

(Meanwhile... just when you think they can't possibly add more characters to a small, invisible island in the middle of the Pacific, Sawyer, Michael, and Jin wash up on the other side of the island where they find the survivors from the tail section of their plane! Including...)

ANA LUCIA: Don't mess with me. I don't trust any of you. Especially you, Huckleberry.

SAWYER: I like her.

MR. EKO: Welcome, brothers. May I offer you guidance? I am a druglor.... um.... I mean a priest.

LIBBY: Hi guys! So, the Others kind of killed or kidnapped the rest of us. Can we join your camp?

SAWYER: Great. More mouths to feed. Unless our people found an underground bunker full of food, I don't how we'll do it.

HURLEY: Sawyer! Jin! Michael! You're back! Guess what? We found an underground bunker full of food! Oh, hi there... (blushes)

LIBBY: Hi there, yourself.

MR. EKO: Can I push the button too? I also would like to save the world.

DESMOND: Hey, go for it, sucker.... I mean, friend... I mean... Oh, whatever. I'm outta here! (Gets on his hidden sail boat and sails away.)

MICHAEL: I spend all that time building a raft and there was a sailboat on this island the whole time! (sighs) Anyway, I'm gone too. I have to find Walt. WAAALLLLTTT!

(wanders off into the jungle)

SAYID: Speaking of finding things, look what Roussaeu found.

(Shows them his prisoner - an eerie man with bug eyes.)

PRISONER: Look, whoever you think I am, I'm not.

JACK: Who should we think you are?

PRISONER: Henry Gale, a crashed balloonist.

SAWYER: A balloon crash? Who are you, the all powerful Oz?

HENRY GALE?: What? It could happen. Weird things crash here.

SAYID: I don't believe you. (hits him around)

HENRY GALE?: Okay, you got me. I'm one of the Others. I had you going there for a minute though, didn't I?

MICHAEL: I'm back! I know where Walt is! Now if Jack, Kate, Sawyer, and Hurley will come with me...

(They all shrug and ignore him.)

MICHAEL: They took my boy.... right out of my hands! Are you people going to help me or not?!

JACK: Are you okay, Michael? You've got this crazy look to your eye...

MICHAEL: WALT! WALT!

SAWYER: This guy's coo-coo for coco puffs.

HURLEY: I don't wanna go.

CHARLIE: I'll go.

MICHAEL: No! It has to be Jack, Kate, Sawyer, and Hurley!

ANA LUCIA: Man, I don't know you, but you need to chill.

MICHAEL: (points) What in the world can that be?!

(Everybody turns. Michael shoots Ana Lucia and Libby and frees the captured Other.)

HURLEY: Uncool, dude. Uncool.

JACK: We have GOT to stop falling for that.

MICHAEL: Um... that Other did it.

SAWYER: Dang, it's always the cute ones that get themselves shot. Hey, Freckles, so you're still alive, and I'm still alive...

KATE: Cram it, Sawyer. I'm sort of with Jack now. I'm 99% sure this time.

MICHAEL: Now we can all go get Walt.

(Michael, Jack, Kate, Sawyer, and Hurley go.

Desmond washes up back on the beach.)

DESMOND: So, the island's not going to let any of us leave. This is all just some mad experiment dreamt up by the Dharma Initiative. We're guinea pigs, brother.

LOCKE: I've lost my faith. I'm not pushing the stupid button anymore.

MR. EKO: Well then, I am!

(They squint at each other in silence.)

LOCKE: I think there's only room for one intense believer on this island. Hey, I looked into the smoke monster. I bet you can't do that.

MR. EKO: Oh, yeah!

(Leaves the hatch. Locke locks him out.)

MR. EKO: Hey, no fair!

LOCKE: Now we'll see who's crazy and who's dead! Let that clock ran out.

(Desmond looks over a series of numbers and dates.)

DEMOND: Wait a minute. As I recall, the last time I didn't push the button was the same day your plane crashed. I crashed your plane! We have to push the button! It's all real!

(Locke stands in a pile of crushed computer bits.)

LOCKE: My bad.

(The clock runs down. The hatch shakes and metal things start imploding.)

DESMOND: (takes out a key) I really hoped I wouldn't have to do this. I have a feeling things are just going to get weird from here on in.

LOCKE: Just do whatever it is! We're imploding here! Besides, how much weirder can things possibly get?

(Desmond goes to the basement and turns the failsafe key. The world turns white. The sky turns purple...

Meanwhile, on the other side of the island, Jack, Kate, Sawyer, and Hurley are captured and bound by the Others.)

JACK: Note to self - Never follow 'crazy' into the jungle.

KATE: Note to self - Stop following Jack into the jungle.

SAWYER: Note to self - Get off this frickin' island!

HURLEY: Dude, why is the sky purple?

NOT HENRY GALE: Haha! Not only am I not Henry Gale, but I am also the LEADER of the Others! My real name's Ben. Suck it, losers!

MICHAEL: Can me and Walt go now?

BEN: Yeah, yeah. As we agreed, you betray your friends, I let you and the kid go home. Whatever. The kid was getting too tall to remain believably on the show anyhow.

(Michael and Walt sail away in a boat provided by the Others.)

BEN: Now who's ready to meet the Others?

(Gags and blindfolds our heroes. The season ends.)

AUDIENCE: But WHY??? WHO??? ARGHH!!!!

Who is Ben? Where is he taking our heroes? Why did the sky turn purple? Did Locke, Desmond, and Eko explode, or are they all just sitting around on the beach having margaritas while they wait for our real heroes to return? Tune in next season for the answers with Lost Season 3!