The 30-Second LOST (Season 1)

(An eye opens. It's JACK Shepherd. He's in the middle of the jungle. People are screaming in the distance.)
JACK: What happened? Where am I?
(He runs through the jungle to find himself on a beach in the middle of the wreckage of a crashed plane!)
JACK: Plane crash... right. Huh, you would think that's something I'd remember. Oh well.
(He goes around saving people because, of course, he's a doctor. Eventually, he comes across KATE hiding in the jungle.)
JACK: What are you doing out here?
KATE: Not running from the law, if that's what you're implying!
JACK: Say, you're kind of cute and kind of handy. Want to stick around?
KATE: I don't know...
(Jack takes off his shirt.)
KATE: Okay, I'm in.
CHARLIE: Hey guys, me too!
(Jack and Kate look at each other and shrug. The three of them head off into the jungle. Meanwhile...)
LOCKE: Look at me! I couldn't walk before, but now I can! This island is magic, I tell you!
SAWYER: Okay whatever, Yoda. Alls I care about is looking out for number one, if you know what I mean.... Hey, who's that freckled girl with the shirtless guy over there? She likes shirtless guys, huh? I'll show her who can be shirtless! (wears his shirt for as little as possible for the remainder of the series)
MICHAEL: Maybe this plane crash can help me bond with my estranged son, Walt.
WALT: That's lame, Dad. I'm gonna go hang with that old dude with the magic legs.
JIN: (something angry in Korean)
SUN: I also do not speak a word of English. I mean....
HURLEY: Dude, don't you think it's like weird and stuff that we all have names that are vague literary references that somehow perfectly suit our characters? And that we all have kind of met in these random ways in our pasts? And that almost all of us survived a massive plane wreck that probably should have instantly killed us all?
SAWYER: While we're on it, Stay-Puft, don't you think it's weird that no matter how long we're on this island, you will never lose any weight? (shoots an attacking polar bear) I suppose you thing that was strange too?
HURLEY: Hey, it's all cool, dude. Just so long as those evil numbers, like the ones that have been causing all the bad luck in my life, aren't here, everything will be fine.
(Jack, Kate, and Charlie come out of the jungle.)
JACK: So, we found the pilot, and he said that we were way off course. There's no way a rescue party will ever find us.
CHARLIE: And then he got beaten to death by a giant smoke monster. (sniffs)
SAWYER: What drugs you been on, Frodo?
CHARLIE: Actually, it's--
(Smoke monster causes a commotion in the woods. Everybody panics.)
SAYID: I am sorry to interrupt, but using my training in the Iraq national guard, I have managed to fix a radio using little other than old wires and coconuts. With this, I found out that there is a crazy woman named Rousseau living on this island who may be able to help us.
ROUSSEAU: The Others took my baby and they will take hers too!
(Points at the very pregnant CLAIRE)
CHARLIE: Ooh, I call dibs! (quickly puts his arm around Claire)
ETHAN: Others? Please! That woman's obviously crazy. (points into the jungle) What in the world can that be!
(When they look, Ethan kidnaps Claire and Charlie. They escape. Charlie shoots Ethan.)
CHARLIE: Didn't you hear me call dibs?
LOCKE: Hey, everyone, I found this hatch-thing out in the middle of the jungle. I think it's my destiny to open it. Anybody bored or stupid enough to help me figure out how to?
BOONE: I am!
(In their travels, Boone gets crushed by an old bi-plane and dies. At the same time, Claire has her baby and names him Aaron, for no apparent reason.)
JACK: That's enough! No more hatches, no more smoke monsters, no more Others! There's no such thing as destiny. There has to be a scientific explanation for all of-- (sees his dead father in the forest and goes off following him)
SAWYER: (to Kate) What do you see in that guy?
KATE: I have a thing for men with Daddy issues.
SAWYER: Why didn't ya say so, Freckles? Wait till you hear my story--
JACK: Okay, I'm back. New plan. If we all move into these caves over here...
MICHAEL: Oh, no. I'm building a raft to get me and my boy off this island. Who wants to help?
KATE: I think I should stay with Jack... maybe...
SAWYER: Fine! I'm outta here! I've had enough of this hunk of dirt!
JIN: I... help... too. Learn... English... quickly.
ROUSSEAU: The Other's are coming! Tonight! They will kill you all!
JACK: We should hide somewhere.
LOCKE: (faking a cough) ....in the hatch!
(Rousseau leads them to an old pirate ship in the middle of the jungle called the 'Black Rock' where they find some dynamite.)
CHARLIE: Guys, where are we?
HURLEY: Kinda missed your moment, dude.
(Michael, Walt, Sawyer, and Jin launch their raft.)
MICHAEL: We're on our way home, Walt! Smooth sailing! Soon it'll be just me, you, our dog Vincent, and that curiously fast approaching ship...
(The Others show up in a boat of their own, lead by the bearded "Mr. Smiley".)
SMILEY: Give us the boy.
SAWYER: Over my dead body.
(The Others shoot at them, kidnap Walt, and destroy the raft. Michael, Sawyer, and Jin swim back to the mainland. Meanwhile...)
LOCKE: Well, here it is. Just like I said.
(Jack and Kate set up dynamite to blow the lid off the hatch. Hurley notices that the serial number on it is the exact same bad numbers that had caused all his bad luck before!)
HURLEY: Evil numbers! Evil numbers! Don't do it!
(They blow it open anyway and look inside.......
the season ends.)
AUDIENCE: Oh, come on!

WHAT'S IN THE HATCH? WHO ARE THE OTHERS? WILL SAWYER EVER MAKE IT WITH KATE OR BE LEFT ALONE WITH HIS CATCHY NICKNAMES? TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO FIND OUT WHEN WE RETURN WITH "THE 30-SECOND LOST - SEASON 2"!